When I finally gave into to my urges and decided to start a blog, I asked my good friend Furtive Goblin what my aesthetic was. He stated, that my aesthetic was “extremely unpleasant.” Given the internet nowadays, I feel like the bar for unpleasantness is rather high, though as such works as The Veins of the Earth, Into the Odd, and Gathox Vertical Slum gain in popularity, it seems that a certain amount of unpleasantness is just what people want.
I will admit now that I am no Patrick Stewart, or Arnold Kemper, or Skerples, or Chris McDowall but I have a gonzo idea or two and the occasional bout of potentially gamified nonsense that perhaps someone would appreciate. I’m new to the OSR, but that is probably going to be what you’ll see here most. To give a start, I present you with the Fullsterkur, my GLOG loveletter to Terry Crews.
|The man hisself|
Starting Equipment: MUSCLES (Counts as a Medium Weapon with no slots)
Starting Skill: SWAGGER
B: BUILDING KICK! , IT’S ME!,
C: WHAT?!?!?!?!, EXPLOSION
You gain +1 STR for each Fullsterkur template you possess. Any time combat starts outdoors, there is a 2 in 6 chance that the Fullsterkur is distracted on the first round by the second Sun that only they can see.
You can choose to FLEX at the start of your turn. While FLEXING, your allies are empowered by your SHEER MUSCLY GOODNESS, giving them +1 to their Attack and +1 to their Save. Conversely, foes are filled with a TERRIBLE AWE at you bulging biceps and reduce their morale by 2. While FLEXING, you shed light as a torch and cannot use Stealth or retreat and must continuously shout muscle-related nonsense.
Out of combat, FLEX fills bystanders with confusion, awe, disgust, or some other appropriate emotion thereby focusing an appropriately sized crowd on your MUSCLES. Bystanders must save or bob their heads in unison with your PECS. This may result in high strength bystanders challenging you to a FLEX OFF. Roll under strength until a victor is proclaimed, loser is Charmed until end of scene.
The handicrafts of civilization are no defense against your MUSCLES. Any object that has felt the hand of a craftsman will shatter* (as per the spell) under your fearsome unarmed might. For the purposes of this ability you had 1 MD per Fullsterkur template, which generate and are used up as a Wizard. Mishaps are on doubles, but you usually do not generate Dooms. Using BUILDING KICK! Against magical objects, this may have consequences.
In a surprise round, if you spend your action announcing your presence at full volume, you may double the effect of your FLEXING for the entirety of combat. However, the DM may immediately roll on the most appropriate Wandering Monster table as your shouting alerts everything nearby. They will show up in d6 rounds to inquire about the noise.
Once per day you may, through the audacious power of your muscles, you may force one of these effects to occur:
1: The Power of Two Suns: Invest your biceps with their glorious power, allowing you to do 1d10+STR damage until the end of combat
2: Aaaab-dominals: Your muscles can be flexed into impossible shapes, from additional limbs to mouths until the end of scene.
3: Block block bl-bl-block!: Negate all attacks targeting you until your next turn by literally slapping away any attack.
4: BLOW YOUR MIND RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE: Perform a feat of strength and awesomeness so powerful your opponent’s mind cannot take it- they act as Confused and are unable to talk for d6 rounds.
5: OOOOOOOOOOAAAHHHH!: Scream so hard that all the clothes, equipment, and weapons of a targeted opponent are torn away and thrown 30’.
6: THIS ONE DOES DUMMY!: Anyone ever tell you that you can’t punch them because you can’t reach them? Well fear no longer! Your fists have range increments of a crossbow until the end of scene.
Anything destroyed or killed by you after dealing max damage explodes, deal d6 damage to everything in the immediate surroundings. If this damage kills a nearby foe, they must save or explode as well and so on. It is very impressive when punching goblins.
You are personally blessed by The Abatar, Lord of all Abs. By harnessing the true power of FLEXING, you are able to fight back Death itself. The first time each day that an effect would kill you outright or cause you to roll on the Death and Dismemberment table, your muscles instinctively flex to reflect the brunt of the damage leaving you at 0 HP instead. You must be able to explain this in terms of your muscular power i.e. catching a sword with your pecs, flexing off a constricting snake, reflecting a death beam with your shiny oiled traps.
BUILDING KICK! Mishaps
1. You kicked too hard, idiot! Blinded and mute for 1d6 rounds while the dust of your victim chokes you.
2. You didn’t kick hard enough, idiot! Target is unaffected, half your movement until you rest.
3. You kicked in the wrong direction, idiot! Affect a random ally as though you made a successful attack roll against them.
4. You kicked at the wrong time, idiot! The kick leaves your defenses open, reducing your Defense by 3 until the start of your next turn.
5. Wrong Kick, idiot! Your mighty BUILDING KICK downgrades to a mere roundhouse kick, leg sweep, or football kick, decreasing damage by a step and reducing the effects on terrain and items.
6. How’d you kick your own head, idiot?! Target yourself with BUILDING KICK!
*Shatter as formulated by Skerples:
R: 50′ T: creature or object D: 0
Target take [sum] force damage. If the target is made of inflexible material, such as stone or glass, the target takes [sum]x2 damage instead. Save for half damage.
Notes on the Fullsterkur:
Old Spice tried to make a Gentleman class for Pathfinder. They went wrong in all possible ways. This is my answer, this is Terry Crews bottled in a neat RPG package. He is loud and powerful and might just make everything worse by being there. But you cannot help but stare.
The term “Fullsterkur” comes from a Strongman challenge in Iceland. The Húsafell Stone began its humble life as the door to a goat pen, a 186 kg (409 lbs) door. For hundreds of years folks have tested their strength by lifting the Stone and carrying it around the 50 meter perimeter of the goat pen, thereby earning the title of “Fullsterkur” or Full Strong. Now I know the difference between a body builder and a strongman, Terry’s physique being more in the earlier category, but Full Strong just seemed terribly right for this. This is a class for the person who wants to be Major Armstrong, Terry Crews, Charles Atlas, The Great Gama, and other highly eclectic manifestations of muscle. And there is nothing stopping you from being Laverie Vallee or Josephine Blatt either!
|Soak it in|