Dear Goody Mooncup, Episode 1: Nuts, Feet, and Tenants

A temptation to us all to be sure.

Dear Ms. Goody,

My cousin has been burned in the balls by an Ochre Jelly and the paladin says it serves him right for being such a lecherous heathen. Can you suggest anything for him?
– Ochre Nuts
Dear Ochre,

We’ve all been known to indulge in the pleasures of slimes, jellies, cubes, and molds once in a while and your “cousin” is not alone in his experience. Youthful experimentation has its consequences and it is up to us as individuals to own up to them. It is not, however, the Paladin’s place to judge. In fact, I’m quite certain that this Paladin is more afraid of a laying on of hands than they are truly judgmental of your cousin. If the Paladin cannot own up to their own feelings, I suggest a salve of ustilagor nectar and powdered bismuth followed by a cold compress.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

Early stages of a fungal infection.

Dear Goody,

Recently, I’ve developed a green fungus between the third and forth toes of my left foot. While it was tolerable when it was just itching, it had now developed a distinct odor. What should I do?

-Funky Feet

Dear Funky,

Congratulations! From your symptoms, I would surmise that you’ve become host to a Trichophyton Myconid, a well traveled species known for their athletic prowess and their adorable accent. It is understandable that you are apprehensive as a new parent-to-be, but as a parent many times over myself, know that this is a joy and a blessing. Over the course of the next few weeks, you will be experiencing some completely normal changes. Your foot will swell to about two meters while the spores mature. You will develop cravings for high phosphate foods such as raw red meat and cheese. The most comfortable environment for you both is warm, dark and moist; I suggest moving into the nearest swamp or sewer. Soon the green buds will be fully developed and will detach on their own, becoming individual Myconids. They will mature in about six weeks, so cherish the time you have together. If you’ve decided that you are not ready for this responsibility, treat your foot with a balm made of the exudate from beaver castor sacs, ground garlic and crystallized urine.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

A cozy piece of real estate

Dear Goody,

To help get by, my wife and I decided to rent out our cellar to a tenant. About a week after we put our add on the board at the tavern, a bag of gold pieces showed up on our doorstep. We never met our new tenant, but a thick, eerie mist seems to emanate from the cellar now, and we occasionally hear a deep groaning. I think we should evict them, but my wife appreciates the steady extra income and the tenant’s tidiness. What should we do?

-Reluctant Landlord

Dear Reluctant,

It is entirely within your right to evict a troublesome tenant, however that last thing you want is to acquire the reputation as a tough or intolerant landlord. I suggest that you first confront your tenant face-to-face with your concerns, especially as they appear to otherwise be an exemplary tenant. You need to ask yourself if you’d rather chance evicting this tenant and receive another who is worse. One that plays music at all hours, or has a dog, or (eugh) wants to socialize. It might be wise to prepare yourself for this confrontation. Have what you want to say in mind ahead of time. Walk with good posture and speak in a clear voice. Bring a copy of your renter’s agreement, with your specific concerns marked. Bring holy water and a silver dagger.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

A typical troll.

Dear Goody,

People are wrong online, how do I help them learn they are wrong?

-Lung Fungus

Dear Lung,

Many writing in this week who know the joy of fungi! I am sorry that you are experiencing issues with those who differ in opinion, especially on the line. Ever since I had my tin can and string installed, I have had to have it serviced time and again. I can not tell you how many times unruly kids have stolen my bandwidth, I would wake up and find that my string is more like a thread! But back to your question, there are many ways to educate the ignorant. In your case, I believe the best method would be to first bury a rooster up to its neck in sand. Place a number of grains around it equal to the number of letters in your preferred alphabet. Speak the name of your enemy and slash your palm with a standard anathema dagger, and spread your blood over the rooster’s beak. It will peck at the grains, giving you directions to your enemy’s location. Bring a heavy scroll detailing why you are right and they are wrong and use this to beat the knowledge into them.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

A typical example of the Gobo furtivus. 

Hello, Goody Mooncup.
These questions may be a little different from what you are used to. Please excuse the length.
My first, and more immediate, is could you direct your various “tasty” readers to bury their questions a few dozen yards or meters (whatever your preference) farther to the west than they currently do?
I noticed that several of your marsh goblins have to pass through the property of a particularly avid family of hunters on their way to collect the ram skulls. Nothing is in season at the moment, but I fear that my distant relatives might be mistaken for something edible and riddled with tactical crossbow bolts one unfortunate night.
Also, they keep eating unreasonably large amounts of my stored acorns when I invite them into my burrow for coffee- I worry they might not be eating sufficiently.
Second, do you have any suggestions for how else I could make a hyper-aggressive breed of grey squirrels more docile, other than to appease them with regular acorn sacrifices? 
The scratching is getting louder again.
-The Furtive Goblin

Dear Furtive,

My dear Furt, thank you for writing again. I have your Narblesnard post card on my mantle next to my collection of amusingly shaped bezoars. I appreciate your concern for my staff who in turn have told me of your hospitality. However please remember that they are on the clock and any deviation from their schedule violates the conditions of their contract, thereby turning them back into pluff mud and sweet grass if my lawyer doesn’t get to them first. I am afraid, however, that you might have my marsh goblins mixed with the marsh goblins of Mistress Peg Mumbley, as I take goat skulls and she takes ram skulls. It is an easy mistake and more than once we have had our mail mixed.

On your question regarding squirrels, I suggest grinding charcoal biscuits into a fine powder and spreading it over half of your acorn caches. On the other half dip each acorn in equal parts wahoo berry juice, asafoetida, apple liquor, sulphur and saltpetre. When you start to hear explosions you know the solution has worked. Please remember not to eat from two separate caches within 24 hours.

Stay Tasty, Goody Mooncup

And that’s it for this week’s Dear Goody Mooncup! Remember, if you still want a signed copy of “Joy of Potioncraft: A Compilation of Reliable Reagents” send your blood money to 666 Fowl Marsh Hut via carrier pigeon. 

Home sweet home!
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