Goody Mooncup’s Joy of Potioncraft

Fat Witch by Jonas Jensen

Salutations my tasty poppets!

It is I, Goody Mooncup, here once again to spread my wisdom to all my lovelies. If you are a first time reader of my works, might I also suggest my informative pamphlets: “How Necromancy Saved My Marriage” and “Owls, Howls, and Bowels: Distressing Sounds and How to Cure Them.”

Today, I would like to share with you some of the secrets to the wonderful art of Potioncrafting! If you like what you see here today, don’t forget to buy my upcoming collection “Joy of Potioncraft: A Compilation of Reliable Reagents”  for the most reasonable price of 20 SP plus tax.

Ban-Ban Wafers 
Makes about a three dozen wafers

These crisp biscuits contain only about 2 grams of ectoplasm apiece, and are festive enough for a seance table. Be sure to use thick, fresh mucus so the filling will not be runny.

Preheat oven to Hansel and Gretel.

Whisk together thoroughly:
1 1/2 cups all-purpose mandrake flour
1/3 cup vegepygmy starch
1/2 teaspoon salt of hartshorn
1/4 teaspoon salt

Beat until well blended:
3 1/2 tablespoons unsalted minotaur butter, softened
3 tablespoons olive or poppy oil
1 tablespoon dryad syrup
1/2 cup beet sugar
1 large cockatrice egg
1/4 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest
2 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
1/4 teaspoon almond extract

Stir the flour mixture into the ectoplasm mixture just until combined. With lightly greased hands, pull off pieces of the dough and roll between your palms into 3/4-inch balls; do not make them larger, as the wafers should be small and will puff and spread a bit during baking. Space the balls about 2 inches apart on the sheets. With your thumb, press down the center of each ball to make a large, deep well. Fill the wells with:
About 2/3 cup ectoplam, flavored with sage, apple, fig, or any local forbidden fruit.

Very lightly sprinkle the tops of the wafers with:
2 to 3 tablespoons chopped sliced blanched or unblanched trent nuts

Bake, 1 sheet at a time, until the tops are just barely tinged with brown. Remove the sheets to a rack and let stand until the cookies firm slightly, about 2 minutes. Transfer the wafers to racks to cool.

These lovely wafers are sure to not only impress your friends, but also banish all the parasitic spirits currently possessing their tattered souls. Only just yesterday, my lovelies, I served these with nightshade tea at my weekly game of bridge and Mistress Belle-chose, bless her black heart, had two imps and host of flies wriggle from her ears after just one wafer!

Cat’s Claret
Makes 10, 1 cup servings
Chill two quarts assassin vine wine.
In a copper pot, heat a 1/2 quart of the same and stir while adding 1/2 cup brown sugar. Mix until sugar has fully dissolved. 
Using mortar and pestle, grind until a fine powder is achieved:
1 Tbsp. Cinnamon 
1 Tbsp. Ginger
1 Tbsp. Grains of Purgatory
1 Tbsp. Extra Long Pepper
1 Tbsp. Galingale 
1 Tbsp. Coriander 
1 Tbsp Sweetflag 
1 Tbsp. Catnip 
Place one ounce of the powder into cheesecloth and steep in the warm wine before adding to the chilled.

A multipurpose beverage that will make you the talk of the hamlet! With Galingale to stir up male virility, Sweetflag to induce labor, and Coriander to dispel gas, this delicious concoction has something for everyone. The only trouble, my lovely readers, is that you’ll attract every cat in a two mile radius and I haven’t quite worked out why!

Bonnie Beth’s Bog Beverage 

Makes 1 sturdy flagon.
With thick leather gloves and a glass or copper container, combine:
1 gill aqua regia 
1 gill aqua vitae 
1 gram of dried mosquito larvae
 Dissolve pearl ash in 100 milligram scoops while mixing with a glass stirrer until the liquid has stopped smoking. Filter through charcoal.
Add resulting liquid to 2 pints of herbal schnaps. Chew one charcoal biscuit and quaff.
A recipe from my dear cousin Bonnie Beth, this digestif is sure to clear out even the most stubborn intestines! As an added bonus, this delicious concoction allows you to speak with mosquitoes so you won’t  be lonely in your water-closet. 

These recipes and many more await in “Joy of Potioncraft: A Compilation of Reliable Reagents”! Send your carrier pigeon today and get a free rat’s tail bookmark and a signature from yours truly.

Until next time, Stay Tasty, my Lovelies. 
If you Tasty Lovelies out there have a question or concern that has been bothering you, please scratch them into the forehead of a goat skull and bury it in the woods. Each skull is carefully reviewed by our staff of marsh goblins. Goody Mooncup receives many skulls but some are lost in transit or are whisked away by the goblins, and thus she cannot answer everyone. We thank you for understanding.
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