Witches, amirite?

So you are just doing your adventuring thing, having some fun in a bog or a dungeon or some random cave, and suddenly this ugly mug pops up and steals your name. Shit! You were thinking, oh yeah no way that could happen. After all, someone needs to hear you say it. Or know your Four Causes, right? WRONG. Witches don’t need none of your fancy philosophies or your Crisis Energy or your nonsense about Kings. They sit outside of the rules because they are, fundamentally, servants of chaos. Now this doesn’t mean they are all evil, nay. They fill an important magical niche in the world, they are the metaphysical exception that proves the law. For how could you ever have the law in the first place without the exception?

In any case, while we were waxing philosophic there, the witch has not only stolen your name but has left you with a new one. How kind. Only, it is something like Zoosmell Stinkpits or Jerkface McGee or (ohgodno) Todd. What’re you going to do?! Well there is a variety of options. You could always find her and try to force your name out of them, but really when she already has your name the direct approach is probably foolish. You could go to a Wizard and see if they could somehow restore your name, but good luck there, they’ll probably charge you a literal arm and a leg. The best way is to find another Witch. That’s right, you heard me, another Witch.

The face of your savior.

You see, Witches do not have names. When they make the pacts with whatever force gives them their power, they sell their name away. This is all well and good until you need to introduce yourself or sign for a package or vote. So, they steal names for their own use and give you their old ones. However, it has, over time, become something of a competition. Each witch wants to have the best name. Now it might be up to individual tastes for some lone witches, but every year at the Witchmoot, bragging rights and respect always go to the witch with the undoubtedly best name. This is why Goldan Gorandi Dallie Kantar Frentsasu Sensinda III has held the title of Archwitch for the past fifteen years. And why the queen of a distant foreign country is named Dumpy Dan.

It might take a few tries before you meet with a witch that gives you a name that you like, especially if you are a Todd. It is all about what is in vogue and sometimes trading down in the hopes of eventually trading up. On the positive side though, you might get a little something from your new name. Escape from a curse bound to your name, cast out a disease that could have sworn it was infesting a Lillian and not a Jim, or even find that your new name has a bit of magic in it!

Sen is a better name than Carrottop, right?

Whenever you meet a witch and she’s on the lookout for a new name, roll 4 times on this chart and see what you end up with. Or just look up what celebrities are naming their kids nowadays, eugh….

First Name
Middle Name
Last Name
Roll on the Supernatural mutation chart!
Hope you like nose warts! -d4 Charisma
Were your teeth always this crooked? Gain 1d6 bite attack, 50% chance to miscast spells
This name is cursed! Roll on GM’s favorite curse chart!
Healed of all curses and diseases
Wanna talk to birds? Well you can now, too bad they mostly just want sum fuk.
Mary Sue Moonbeam You weigh as much as a goose! You cannot sink in water and act as though under constant Feather Fall.
Flint Brick Squat-thrust You can regenerate 1d6 damage twice a week. You can also do d4 damage to yourself for 1 ration.
Mister Double Universe Guess what? Your nipples now glow with the strength of a bullseye lantern. You’re welcome. 
Gain 1 magic die and roll for a spell on a list of your choosing. You are now a spellcaster. Woopty-doo.

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2 thoughts on “A Witch Stole My Name!

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