Dwyane Edwardo Alcott D’ambrisio- D.E.A. D’ambrisio died four centuries ago when his hearse was waylaid by vampires and resurrectionists one evening. Waking up after the attack and finding his carriage empty, D’ambrisio had a nap in the empty coffin then proceeded to hunt down his attackers. His fees are steep and the funerals have to be at night, but it is worth it for his centuries of experience and the safe passage he ensures for his fares.
Martha Ann Upton- Over time Martha Ann found one too many of her older Witch colleagues dead on the floor and being nibbled by their cat familiars. She decided to do something about it and begin a funeral home specifically for witches. It is literally a home too, most witches have a good idea about when they are going to die and Martha’s cottage has expanded into something halfway between a bed and breakfast and a hospice. The dearly departed’ s familiars also find a place here until they are adopted by younger witches.
Yorg- Yorg is a twelve foot tall troll that works for B.T. Mel & Sons funeral home. Yorg not so much drives a hearse as he olympic-style Hammer Throws the dead into their grave, the next hill over. After thirty years, Yorg has only missed a grave once and he was admittedly very drunk at the time.
Nimrod Murphee- Nimrod owns and operates a printing company called Babel Press, largely serving independent magazines and local businesses. To cut costs, he makes deliveries himself but found his old station wagon was not keeping up with demand. He found his answer at a seized property auction in the form of a 1959 Cadillac Landaulet 3-Way. The local Book Club enchanted his ride to be able to translate his works into any language, in return he occasionally makes discreet deliveries for them.
Sam Edgeman- Sam lives on the Edge, man. They specialize in “Extreme funerals” such as skydiving burials and volcano burials. What most folks do not know is Sam is one of the world’s last trained Least Priests and their extreme burials are helping to fulfill the rituals and sacrificial needs of several dozen minor but influential deities. They’re still looking for takers for a burial by Giant Snake.
Mary and Edward Gostwick- Mary and Edward offer services to say your goodbyes to the dearly departed. Unlike most other funeral homes, however, the dead get to say goodbye as well. While Edward organizes flowers and plots, Mary prepares the body for burial and “post-mortem communication.” She renders down the pericardial fat into a small candle that gives an hour of light (plus or minus depending upon the deceased’s weight.) While the candle is lit the deceased can speak to anyone within its light. After she assisted detectives on a few cases it has become local standard practice for murderers to remove the hearts of their victims.
Zumwalt the Magnificent- Once an up and coming entertaining magician, Zumwalt decided to try some real magic to spruce up his act. Unfortunately the assistant in the “Box of Disappearance” never un-disappeared. Ever one to make the best of a bad situation, Zumwalt repurposed his singular magic skill to take care of the city’s dwindling cemetery space, offering a “clean alternative” to cremation by just vanishing the deceased. A parallel dimension is very concerned about all the corpses falling out of closets.
Penthon- or The Mourning Machine, Penthon is a robotic being that was given a Heart of Gold, a perpetual motion generator and the capacity for infinite love. Unfortunately this also means Penthon has infinite capacity for sadness as they watch all mortal life dwindle and fade. Penthon travels the lands performing the funeral rites for paupers graves and potter’s fields, giving the unmourned dead at least one person who truly mourns their passing.
Zeb Woolfolk- Zeb is a goatman but that is entirely unrelated to his job as a hearse driver. That said, his patrons are almost entirely of a horned variety as various tieflings, occult-spawn, mutants and heavy metal bassists have difficulty being accepted into other cemeteries. Zeb denies any relation to Baphomet in any fashion and would kindly just like to get on with his job.
Herb the Hearse- When the Cadillac carrying the passed Herbert Halifax was struck by lightning and incinerated his body, his family was admittedly pretty horrified. They were more horrified when the hearse blinked its headlights and honked, “Sharon, I’m alive!” in morse code. It took some getting used to, but Herb is enjoying his second chance at life even if he is carrying around the dead on a regular basis. He finally has the chance to make it to his kids’ sportsball games now.
Killgore The Skulltaker- I know to outsiders that the title seems very metal and very intimidating, but Killgore is, in fact, a sort of accountant. He literally takes the skulls of the various kills his clients bring him and interred them into the Skull Bank where the skulls can later be exchanged for blood-oaths and goods. His skull-cart (or hearse) is laden with anti-curse charms and protective wards in much the same way a traditional bank car might be heavily armored. While banked, the skulls are kept pristine through regular cleanings and when withdrawn the skulls are crushed with care and precision.
Sally Clues- Sally is an expert at the traditional craft of mummification and is often sought out for the extended preservation of the corpses of the important (and the stupefyingly wealthy). She also pulls the burial chariot herself, being a six foot at the withers, nearly one ton sphinx. She apparently gives excellent discounts to anyone who can solve a riddle or stump her with one.
Mr. Calcium- In life Mr. Calcium was a mascot for the milk industry, and years and years of milk ingestion made his bones nigh indestructible. In death, multiple necromancers have attempted to bring him under their control but none could penetrate the adamantine strength of his skull. It is hard, for a skeleton, finding a job that doesn’t involve holding a rusty spear in front of a tomb, but Mr. Calcium is making due with driving the plague cart and getting paid in obols and dairy products.
Brrrbbbzzzbrrrrbzz- or Ms. Melissa as the endo-skeletons call her, is a bee-person from the Moon. How she exactly got here or how she got into the funeral business is answered with a coy smile and a knowing multi-faceted wink. For those who list themselves as organ donors but want to take it a step further, Ms. Melissa offers the option to be mellified. Using her specially prepared honey and tightly sealed hexagonal coffins, Ms. Melissa transforms the departed from a corpse into a miraculous (and delicious) healing confection over the course of a year.
8377Y- Once a vtuber with a massive following, there was a fallout after it was revealed she was in fact an AI trained on one hundred thousand hours of k-pop music videos and minecraft. Down on her luck and jumping from system to system, she eventually found her way into the GPS of a self-driving model of a Taiwanese electric funeral car. With the acquisition of some smoke machines and a hologram projector, every death has become a riotous celebration heard from heaven to hell. Her new single “White Lotus Rampage” is all the rage.
Morto the Clown- The saddest of all Sad Clowns, Morto drives the Clown Hearse. Like other clown vehicles, it is tiny and has a huge storage capacity. In fact, it is the reason you’ve never seen a clown graveyard or a clown mausoleum. All clowns who pass on are interred in Morto’s Clown Hearse. The funeral procession drives/marches in three large rings as a final farewell to the departed clown before a pair of X’s are drawn over the eyes of the clown’s Egg. The title and identity of Morto is passed down through the ages, you know if you are to be the next Morto when a black squirting flower fully of tears arrives at your make-up table.
E.P. Shaub- Upon a dozen dozen feet foes E.P. Shaub approaches, a serpentine oar-fish-like body coursing down the road to the beat of a dirge. Eyes, not unlike spotlights, are downcast and dimmed appropriate for the occasion. E.P. Shaub greets you, asks how your grandfather is holding up–E.P. Shaub nods as you explain he’s doing the best he can. Your uncles and aunts come out the door, carrying the coffin from the wake and E.P. Shaub tells you that her plot is in a beautiful place and that E.P. Shaun will see you at the cemetery. E.P. Shaub opens a mouth that peels back and stretched and widens and unfolds and lays out a sickly yellow tongue that looks awfully like the bed the dearly beloved died in. The coffin is set with care upon it and E.P. Shaub folds back together and begins the long trek to that beautiful plot under a tree.
Bigfoot- Yeah, Bigfoot. Got a tophat and a suit and spats, the whole nine yards, looking spiffy. But you can’t point out it is Bigfoot, no one else has noticed. If you point out that the hearse driver is Bigfoot everyone at the funeral will panic. The pallbearers will drop the coffin, the buffet will be wrecked, flowers will be flying, tears will be flowing. It is going to be awful. You really should not point out that Bigfoot is the hearse driver.
Halstein Granitsen- Fifty years ago when Halstein’s adventuring party was wiped out within the tunnels of a wizard’s insane underground labyrinth, Halstein felt terrible that his friends had to be left to rot in the various spike traps, mud pits, and monster lairs where they had fallen. In their honor, and smelling a business opportunity, Halstein now wanders any number of dungeons with his masonry tools and a wide variety of holy texts, offering adventurers the chance to properly send off their friends without worries as he carves a sarcophagus directly from the dungeon walls.
Theodore Finch- He really has no idea how he ended up on this list of fantastical hearse drivers. One day he was just minding his business as a college secretary worrying about Snake People and paperwork when suddenly he was shanghaied by a trio of strange adventurers and went through a series of shenanigans and hijinks to end up here. The body in the back? Jeez, that’s not really a “body” per se, it is their employer, a ghoul of significant age and financial power. Just need to get him across these stupid mountains. Come on dude stop bothering him, this is his last job before he can go back to his normal life.
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