I HAVE A MIGHTY THIRST

THE GREAT HEIDELBERG TUN

What’s it in:

  1. Vial
  2. Mason jar
  3. Amphora
  4. Bocksbeutel
  5. Canteen
  6. Bota bag
  7. Demijohn
  8. Calabash
  9. Flacon
  10. Gasogene
  11. Bologna bottle
  12. Growler
  13. Hip Flask
  14. Jerrycan
  15. Klein bottle
  16. Lacrymatory
  17. Fiasco
  18. Porron
  19. Witch bottle
  20. Glass Onion
Don’t de-kleine one of these bottles! (I derserve whatever I get)

How Much is there (Only roll this if you are prepared to deal with some shenanigans, anything above a Midas is probably in a Barrel, but maybe a giant left her huge freaking canteen lying around):

  1. Piccolo- 1 approx. 6 ounce dose, equal to about a glass of wine. 
  2. Demi- 2 doses
  3. Jennie- 3 doses
  4. Standard- 4 doses
  5. Litre- 5 doses
  6. Magnum- 8 Doses
  7. Jeroboam- 16 Doses
  8. Rehoboam- 25 Doses
  9. McKenzie- 28 Doses
  10. Methuselah- 33 Doses
  11. Salmanazar- 50 Doses
  12. Balthazar-  68 Doses
  13. Nebuchadnezzar- 85 Doses
  14. Melchior/Solomon- 101 Doses
  15. Primat/Goliath- 152 Doses
  16. Melchizedek/Midas- 169 Doses
  17. Rundlet- 384 Doses
  18. Barrel-672 Doses
  19. Tierce- 896
  20. BIG BARREL
    1. Hogshead- 1344 Doses
    2. Puncheon/Tertian- 1792 Doses 
    3. Pipe/Butt- 2688 Doses
    4. TUN- 5376 Doses
OH MY GOD ITS DIP

 What’s Within:
  1. Water- 50% chance fresh, 50% salt
  2. Subtle Fluid
    1.  Heat- Concentrated heat. A vial can boil a gallon of water. A vat could boil a reasonably sized lake. 
    2. Electricity- essentially a Leyden Jar, boil it to hear messages from other worlds.
    3. Phlogiston- Combustion made manifest, pretty much highest quality rocket fuel
    4. Light- A phial is essentially a candle, a Tun a high intensity spotlight. Opening it will let all the light escape instantly in a blinding flash. Makes a great anti-vampire grenade. 
  3. Nothing
  4. NOTHING AND IT IS SPREADING
  5. A playing card, the one you pulled from the magician’s deck when you were a child.
  6. Teeth
    1. Human
    2. Animal
    3. Monster
    4. A single massive fang
  7. A ship, complete with crew
  8. A miniaturized arboretum
  9. Ant Farm 
    1. Sugar
    2. Harvester
    3. Honeypot
    4. Fire
    5. Army
    6. Bullet
  10. Preserved Organ
    1. Animal
    2. Human
    3. Monster
    4. Alien/Devil/Angel/OTHER
  11. Wine
    1. Vinegar
    2. Cheap
    3. Middling
    4. High
    5. Rare Vintage
    6. Black Pear Wine
  12. Oil
    1. Cooking (Olive, Sesame, or some such)
    2. Fish
    3. Whale
    4. Kerosene
    5. Petroleum
    6. Sebum
  13. Blood
    1. Human
    2. Animal
    3. Monster
    4. Alien/Devil/Angel/OTHER
  14. Beans
    1. Normal
    2. Extra Musical
    3. Jumping
    4. Magic
  15. Message- 50% chance of being water damaged beyond use
    1. Stranded on an island, send help
    2. Stranded on an island, do not send help
    3. Really Terrible Poetry
    4. Good Poetry
    5. Treasure Map
    6. Spell Scroll
  16. Ooze
    1. Black Pudding
    2. Mustard Jelly
    3. Gray Ooze
    4. Ocher Jelly
    5. Gelatinous “cube”
    6. Green Slime
  17. Pure Element: Roll on the Periodic Table d100, ignore Mendelevium and above because that’s just silly. 
  18. Colorful Carbonated Sugar Beverage 
    1. Outstanding Orange
    2. Rousing Red
    3. Playful Pink
    4. Bodacious Blue
    5. Yummy Yellow
    6. ██████████████
  19. Spices
    1. Long Pepper
    2. Grains of Paradise
    3. Ginger
    4. Cinnamon
    5. Cardamom
    6. Saffron
  20. Salt, 50% of being Blessed
  21. Pickled…
    1. Gherkins
    2. Cabbage
    3. Eggs
    4. Pig’s Feet
    5. Jellied Eels
    6. Hand (sized appropriately for the container)
  22. Seeds
    1. Wild Flower
    2. Roasted Sunflower
    3. Random Fruit
    4. Random Vegetable 
    5. Mandrake, or other mythic herb
    6. Single Dryad seed
  23. Smell
    1. Feet
    2. Cheese
    3. Animal Musk
    4. Cheap Cologne
    5. Incense 
    6. Exotic Perfume
  24. Potion
  25. Insubstantial Potion Ingredient
    1. Sound of Cat’s Footstep
    2. Breath of a Fish
    3. Cunning of a Bear
    4. Moonlight
    5. Innocence of a Child
    6. An Eternal Moment
  26. Liquid Privative
    1. Ignorance- Takes up the space that knowledge normally sits. Could, for example, permanently fill a Skill slot. 
    2. Darkness- Faster than light because it is already there. Deeper black than vantablack, the absolute absence of light.
    3. Debt- Plops out in thick purple chunks, annihilates an equal mass of gold when touched. Drinking causes the imbiber’s wealth to decrease an equal amount, first turning currency to dust then rotting away personal possessions, real estate, and other forms of wealth.
    4. Sobriety- Looks like the most intense coffee ever. Cancels out an equal amount of alcohol. Drinking while already sober will make you Knurd.
    5. Cold- Not just cold or the absence of heat. If Planck Temperature is 1 and Absolute 0 is 0, this is -1. 
    6. Death- Looks like a bunch of torn black rags in black ink. Anything fully submersed in it is made so utterly dead that there is no coming back from it. Stick a finger in it and not only do you lose the use of that finger, but all incarnations of you through the centuries will lose it. 
  27. Ink
    1. Henna
    2. Iron Gall Ink
    3. India Ink
    4. Invisible Ink
    5. Bottled Book
    6. Kraken Ink
  28. Swarm of Insects
    1. BEES
    2. LOCUSTS
    3. TERMITES
    4. ROACHES
    5. HORNETS
    6. SPIDERS- 50% chance of being just one really big angry spider
  29. Poison- Roll on your favorite random poison list because I can’t be bothered to find a link for one.
  30. Disease
  31. A Smaller Bottle, roll again. Potential for infinite matryoshka effect. 
  32. Marbles
  33. Powdered Water
  34. Honey
    1. Honey- Sweet
    2. Royal Jelly- Sweet, feel like Royalty
    3. Mirror Honey– Colorless, mix with bourbon and lemon to make Ambrosia. 
    4. Crimson Honey– Powerful painkiller, intensely addictive
    5. Prisoner’s Honey– Transports you to a dreamland beyond mirrors. 
    6. Empress Jelly- Turns you into a Bee Person. 
  35. Beverage
  36. Fish
    1. Salted and Preserved
    2. Rotten and Stinking
    3. Fermented into a sauce
    4. Bottled Aquarium, alive. 
  37. Flying Ointment- Apply to object or similar to travel per Wyrd Transport for 1 hour. A single dose can affect a broom, a house will require enough to paint it (1 gallon to 350 square feet or ~4 liters to ~33 square meters). Apply to self to have an awesome hallucinogenic trip about flying for 1 hour.
  38. Ferrofluid
  39. Dirt
  40. Dirt!
  41. Paint- 1d8, ROYGBIV+Octarine 
  42. Friendly Gloop
  43. Red Goop
  44. Living Idea- Invisible and intangible, yet somehow still noticeably there. Consummation implants idea into your head 
    1. A political philosophy
    2. A funny joke
    3. A recipe
    4. A thought consuming meme/earworm
    5. Plans for an ancient superweapon
    6. A cringe worthy sensation (like toothpicks under fingernails or chewing aluminum foil)
  45. Genie
    1. Ghoul- Pours out like ink, reforms and seeks meat.
    2. Hinn- Treat as a Familiar
    3. Ifrit- Angry, fiery, give her one good reason not to split you in twain.
    4. Nasnas- Looks like half a person, one leg, one arm etc. Can kill with a touch, may offer services for a limb. 
    5. Jann- Swirling out like miniature dust storm, thankful for its freedom and will do a favor within its power for you
    6. Marid- A several story tall being (how’d it fit in the bottle?!). It will grant a single wish if you can stump it with a riddle, best it in battle, or flatter in a manner it has never experienced.
  46. Demon-1d72. BEWARE OF 10
  47. Golem Clay- Pre-enchanted clay that can be used to make an appropriately sized golem. 1% daily chance to go berserk.
  48. Wizard Drugs
  49. Alchemical Concoction
    1. Aqua Vitae- Yes, this is essentially just brandy. 
    2. Greek Fire/Alchemist’s Fire
    3. Aqua regia
    4. Vitriol
    5. Animal glue
    6. Gun Powder
  50. Disgusting Goblin Collection
    1. Earwax
    2. Stolen Hair
    3. Snot
    4. Nail clippings
    5. Pig Grease
    6. Eyeballs
  51. Booze
    1. Skunked Beer
    2. Cider
    3. Mead
    4. Applejack
    5. Gin
    6. Whiskey
  52. CSF
  53. A very small Wizard and their very small tower.
  54. Homunculus- Sized to the bottle, feed it an amount of blood equal to the bottle it came in daily. Slowly becomes more like the creature whose blood it is fed. Acts as a hireling with 12 Morale. 
  55. Concentrate of Bonnacon
  56. Sealed Elemental
    1. Salamander
    2. Undine
    3. Slyph
    4. Gnome
  57. Sauce
  58. THE ORKUS
  59. Trapped Ghost
  60. Tube Food- All various shades of Beige
    1. Mashed Potatos
    2. Meat Slurry
    3. Pudding?
    4. Oatmeal/Cream of Wheat/Grits, whichever you don’t prefer
    5. Peanut Butter
    6. Wet Carboard
  61. A normal toad. Anything put into the bottle is put into temporal stasis. 
  62. Angel’s Share Whiskey- Purges all sin from the imbiber, 5% chance of drawing attention of unhappily sober Angels. 
  63. A Prince
  64. Hoodoo Roots
    1. John The Conquorer- Good for gambling and seduction
    2. Celadine- Wards of witches and police officers oddly enough
    3. Holly- Protective, used for summoning good spirits
    4. Goofer Dust- Grave dirt collected after midnight, good fo curses
    5. Chewing John- For obfusticating courtrooms
    6. Mint- For breaking curses
  65. Mansion in a Bottle- Break open to grow into 1d100 room Mansion. 1-in-6 chance of being haunted.
  66. STUFF: Looks like mercury but staring it gives you a migraine and a sense of unease. Reacts strongly with emotion and imagination to create monstrosities. Reacts explosively with FOX, treat as a Fireball with MD equal to the total number of doses of STUFF and FOX dived by 2.
  67. FOX: Liquid junk information. Acts like holy water on any creature that could have feasibly arise from human imagination (dragons, vampires, elves, goblins, not normal animals or humans). Reacts explosively with STUFF, treat as a Fireball with MD equal to the total number of doses of STUFF and FOX dived by 2.
  68. Aloe Vera
  69. Lubricant
  70. All the Mezcal worms that have gone uneaten.
  71. Fluoroantimonic acid
  72. A Fairy!
  73. Captured Echo
    1. Laughter
    2. Hello, ello, llo, lo, o
    3. HELP ME!
    4. Rubber baby buggy bumpers. Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
    5. Gregorian Chanting
    6. The Voice of God
  74. A Deconstructed Owl– Larger bottles may contain a Parliament of Deconstructed Owls.
  75. Distilled Emotion
    1. Apathy
    2. Joy
    3. Anger
    4. Despair
    5. Ecstacy
    6. Fear 
  76. Distilled Obscure Emotions
    1. Gigil
    2. Pena ajena
    3. Waldeinsamkeit
    4. Saudade
    5. L’abbiocco
    6. Jijivisha
  77. A list of Bottled Things
  78. [NULL]- Looks like white noise, smells like ozone, feels like your arms fallen asleep, sounds like static, tastes like bumping your elbow nerve. Pouring it over something removes all unique identifiers and reduces it to the most generic possible form of the object
  79. G̶͓͉̘̈̕͠L̸͎͌̉I̵̢̬̐̌̀T̵̙̓̈̃C̶͍͐Ḧ̴̳͍ ̴̧̢̈́J̴̪̎́̕U̵̱͛̌̏Ị̸͍̥͑͌Ç̷̨̃̈Ę̴̱̓- Looks like ████, smells like ████, feels like ████, sounds like ████, tastes like ████. Pouring it over something randomizes some quality of it, veering towards the overtly unique. 
  80. An Ego Sprite
  81. Fluke Shark(s)
  82. Math Drug
  83. Bottled Vicariousness- Experience a day in the life of another person. Randomize race/class for a day.
  84. Actually a portal to the bottom of the sea, there is a red beard hair and lip smudges…
  85. Weight- Looks like bacon grease. Doubles the weight of anything it is slathered onto.
  86. Decanter of Endless… 
    1. Air
    2. Water
    3. Farts
    4. Blood
    5. Milk
    6. Rum
  87. Snake Oil
  88. Green Slime
  89. Giant- They are a lot bigger when you let them out of the bottle.
  90. Liquid Velvet
  91. Powered Bezoar
  92. Bird Spit- Worth a fortune to the right people
  93. Dragon’s Blood- A taste teaches you the language of birds, may have other less annoying uses.
  94. Diamond Nectar
  95. Yogurt- What? Sometimes you get hungy.
  96. Imp- Will grant Monkey’s Paw corrupted wishes, dying with it in your possession sends you to hell.
  97. Sovereign Glue- Because it is traditional.
  98. Alkahest/Universal Solvent-Because it is traditional.
  99. Azoth- The Universal Medicine, The Universal Life Force. Can heal any wound, bring back the dead, inspire minds to new heights of creativity. It is the light of creation distilled into liquid form. It is the opposite of THE ORKUS. One dose will heal all wounds, remove all poisons and disease, and indefinitely prolong the imbiber’s lifespan. Further doses Save vs. Death or immolate in holy fire, leaving nothing behind. Each further success become immune to a type of damage (such a fire, slashing, etc.). 6 successes results in Apotheosis and the character becoming an NPC Demi-god. 
  100. Roll Twice and Mix, might be a great cocktail, might be Buer covered in honey.

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12 thoughts on “d100 Bottled Things

  1. Hey! I recognize that table of terrible and unknowable organs destined to be used to spur the greater perfection of all creatures whose tormented existence is due to their embodied nature which creates an contradiction between spirit and flesh! Thanks for including me, this table is great!

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