d100+ Obnoxious Wizard Generator

First an important note, from the Wizard’s perspective…

How to tell a Wizard from a Witch

1. A Wizard has a Tower, a Witch has a hovel. 
2. A Wizard is an willing hermit. A Witch is a nosey busy body.
3. A Wizard went through rigorous coursework under the supervision of learned sages to acquire their power. A witch thinks a few tricks picked up in the woods is enough.
4. A Wizard wears a pointy hat which is a multipurpose tool and symbol of their efforts. A witch is trying to intimidate people by copying wizards.
5. A wizard has used years of observational study to know all of the practical effects of a spell. A witch uses Marvelo’s Instantaneous Combustion to boil tea.
6. A wizard uses finely tuned instruments created by master glass-blowers and craftsmen. A witch dumps everything in a cauldron. 
7. Wizards and Witches are both fond of pickling things. You are more likely to learn something new and arcane observing a Wizard’s pickles.
8. A wizard elevates themselves above the common rabble and lets them handle their own mundane lives. A witch gets down into the mud with them and tries to order them around.
9. A wizard is upfront and fair about the price of their services. A witch expects people to throw them alms for their every word.
10. Having a wizard in your community is like having a nuclear deterrent against one’s enemies. Having a witch in your community is like having a magically powered in-law looking over everyone’s shoulder. Guess which one regular folk prefer?

Note that one of the differences is not gender, a Witch or a Wizard can be any gender even if ignorant townsfolk might make assumptions if you have a pointy hat and a wart on your nose.

d2 Phallic Object Magical Focus

1. Wand
2. Staff

d4 Aspect

1. Apprentice- Roll 1 time on Quirk list
2. Journeyman- Roll 2 times on Quirk List
3. Master- Roll 4 times on Quirk List
4. Archwizard- Roll 8 times on Quirk list

d6 Familiar

1.  A Hideous Homunculus (Note to self, make Homunculus generator)
2. A pimply apprentice
3. A smarmy, talking Owl
4. A clockwork octopus
5. A series of short lived Imps all called Jenkins
6. Something…weird

d8 School of Magic– All wizards have Second Sight and First thoughts, that is they see only what they want to see and think rather quickly but without really thinking about what it is they are thinking.

1. Abjuration – Ultra Hikikomori
2. Conjuration – Enslaving citizens of the planes
3. Divination – A total voyeur
4. Enchantment – Mindwashing shitlord
5. Evocation – That kid with a magnifying glass and an ant farm
6. Illusion – Too creepy to make real friends
7. Necromancy – Doesn’t take expiration dates seriously…of anything
8. Transmutation – Deviantart user since 2006

d10 Theme

1. Chūnibyō
2. Mad Scientist
3. Asshole Hermit
4. Puppet of the Patriarchy
5. Snooty Heir
6. Power Behind the Throne
7. Hot Topic
8. Amoral Academic 
9. Self Described Genius
10. High End Fashionista 

d10 Grimoire of Choice

1. The Book of Gaub
2. Abraxian Algebra for Dummies
3. Thaumaturgical Aphorisms by Prilaxiom U. C. Vallance
4. The Edicts of the Red Hand
5. The 13 Palimpsests
6. Hoyle’s Book of Games, 1769 Edition
7. Thinning of the Veil by P. O. Ka
8. Rubbings from the Thrice Damned Temple
9. A 5D conspiracy theory board contained in the lining of the wizard’s hat
10. 10 different Books of Shadow stitched together and heavily dogeared 

d12 Source of Power

1. Complex competing pacts with multiple supernatural entities
2. 8th Child of an 8th Child
3. A doctoral degree
4. Ate a magic crystal as a kid, passes it and has to swallow it again regularly to retain power.
5. Saw the true shape of the universe and can now press against the 4th wall
6. Their specific form of madness happens to make their brain a great nesting ground for wild spells
7. Bound themselves to a leyline, which strengthens them but slowly weakens the land.
8. A series of star-aligned towers funneling the power of the heavens themselves into them
9. A magical tool that has been passed down generations of wizards
10. Replacing their heart with fire demon.
11. Wearing a tower of other wizard’s hats whom they have stolen the power from
12. Possessed by an ancient spirit desperate to rise back to power.

d20 Hat Add-On

1. Gin Compartment
2. Stitched Arcane Runes (Profanity in Dead Languages)
3. Loads of Stars, to confuse aerial predators
4. Unfolding Umbrella 
5.  Silver-lined Corks on strings to keep away imps
6. A miniaturized cannon
7. Portal to the Elemental Plane of Rabbits
8. Dozens of specialized lenses
9. Weighs 2 tons to anyone other than the rightful owner.
10. An absolutely unnecessary amount of glitter
11. Is fashioned from the hide and/or skull of an exotic or supernatural creature.
12. Is edible and regenerates overnight. Wizard fond of making bets that include, “Or I’ll eat my hat.”
13. The inner lining is full of raunchy images
14. Has a small but comfortable apartment within
15. Is a Power Limiter currently keeping the Wizard from detonating.
16. Is invisible, but can be plainly seen when you close your eyes
17. Has a propeller that allows limited flight
18. Has an adamantium tip and can be used as a drill.
19. The Hat is actually the Wizard, the body is its parasitized host. Squeals and gnashes teeth when removed.
20. Roll 3 times

d100 Quirks– Unlike the Witch List, these are always serious and not mere rumor

1. Carries their tower with them in a glass growler bottle
2. Has eyebrows that extend beyond the rim on their hat
3. Is much Younger/Older (50/50%) than they appear
4. Is accompanied by 1d6! more wizards, all with inane academic titles
5. Is an Orangutan 
6. Possesses an everlasting pipe, smells like low quality weed and blows crappy smoke rings. (I KNOW YOU VAPE)
7. Dresses entirely in one color and demands to be called [INSERT WIZARD NAME] the [INSERT OBTUSE COLOR]
8. Possesses a Coat of Arms, which can form up to 2d6! extra arms at any time
9. Has a big intimidating golem bodyguard. Looks
   1. Big and Doughy
   2. A Mythic Beast 
   3. A Gargoyle 
   4. A famed Knight or Warrior
   5. A 1950’s Robot
   6. Intensely Sexy
10. Travels everywhere in a large mechanical lobster
11. Is heavily mutated (roll 5 times on favorite Mutation Table)
12. Knows enough about every topic to sound learned and wise while still being entirely wrong
13. Is the end-all be-all expert on one subject, but is completely ignorant of most everything else
14. Has 1d4 limbs replaced with a magical prosthetic
15. Lives through time backwards and is prone to toddler tantrums.
16. Has severe Lexical-gustatory synesthesia and is looking for the perfect tasting Word
17. Levitates and uses telekinesis for everything, refuses to touch anything for fear of filth. 
18. Has their Wizard Vision turned to 11, and can see The Entire Court and then some all the time.
19. Is a firm believer that every issue can be solved with a series of long winded lectures
20. Is a firm believer that every issue can be solved with a fireball
21. Has an inane and time consuming daily routine which they claim grants them immortality. 
22. Is the CEO of a profitable but ecologically irresponsible industrial company
23. Has a palanquin carried by
    1. Apprentices
    2. Golems
    3. Skeletons
    4. Reprogrammed “Monsters”
24. Believes aggressively in evolution and wishes to “help it along”
25. Is addicted to some really really weird drugs
26. Travels regularly to slums to experiment with their magic
27. Desperately wants to eat a specific type of small blue fey for some inane magical reason
28. Uses a number of monsters as Flintstones-esque technology
29. Sends random schmucks out on “epic quests” for their own entertainment. 
30. Has this party trick of turning bricks into angry turtles 
31. Was a stage magician before they actually sawed someone in half and unlocked their blood magic. 
32. Keeps a very large and very weird cellar. 
33. Is obsessed with a specific, obscenely complex game and challenges everyone
34. Isn’t actually a wizard, is just a person behind a curtain
35. Is so enveloped in magic their every action causes a cantrip effect
36. Failed the Wizard BAR exam, can’t legally practice magic
37. Has a terrible name with too many contestants and apostrophes. 
38. Has a family of birds living in their hair and/or beard
39. Splits into 100 magical toddlers if killed, they fight and the survivor grows back into the Wizard
40. Keeps petri dishes full of micro-civilizations  
41. Refuses to believe anything as real, is an extreme solipsist
42. Inexplicably turns folks into eggplants
43. Was a perfectly normal archaeologist before they put on the hat.
44. Trades their services for stories, but they better have never heard the one you are telling
45. Claims the color of their robe defines their morality, this is a lie
46. Claims they are actually using “science so advanced that it is indistinguishable from magic.”
47. Has specifically inured themselves to damage from
    1. Bladed weapons
    2. Fire
    3. Lightning
    4. Poison
    5. Tigers
    6. 3m stone cubes dropped from above
48. Is one of the surviving 12 Garaboncias
49. Is an immortal, incompetent, 17 year old of indeterminate gender incapable of any real magic. They go by Dave.
50. Is actually an ancient undead spider?
51. Aggressively pursues copyrights on all of their spells
52. Is the d100th to bear their name, their predecessors are all desiccated husks in the tower basement
53. Holds multidimensional tournaments, promising Wishes. Always runs away without granting any.
54. Turns out that a dungeon is just an inverted tower.
55. Is in a pact with Buer, their tower is overrun with Buer Minions. 
56. Is terribly fond of cephalopods 
57. Their magic is fueled by love, as such they harvest oxytocin and dopamine from the local village.
58. Is a collector of something extremely:
    1. Arcane
    2. Mundane
    3. Inane
    4. Insane
    5. Immane
    6. Vain
59. Has something weird in their pockets.
60. Creates short lived clones of themselves to handle most of their daily tasks and chores.
61. Grains immense strength from Orgone Energy, however no one sane is interested in their tantric rituals
62. Has stitched together their past and future, becoming a 4D Worm. 
63. Has consumed 1d3 doses of God Flesh
64. Has not slept for over a month and has become an Outsider
65. Doesn’t adhere to the 7 Schools, instead uses one of hundreds of niche schools
66. Has learned to close their Second Eyelid, spends all their spare time staring at Alien Light
67. Is in the process of swapping their brain with a giant Water Bear in the belief they are indestructible 
68. Has realized that Vancian Magic is rather silly, works off of a system from a non-d20 based system
69. Wears penguin boots, you know the kind.
70. Is a Muscle Wizard, accomplishes their spellcasting through various poses and flexes
71. They always arrive unfashionably late or early, never precisely when wanted.
72. Has a burning and targeted hatred of Treants 
73. Robe flashes like an epileptic EDM nightmare when casting high power magic
74. Once caused rampant flashfloods through an incident involving a broom, a bucket, and an ax. 
75. Keeps a miniaturized zoo. Alternatively keeps a Dire Zoo. 
76. Figured out how to split atoms, uses the power to heat their bathwater.
77. Attempts to teach others via “amusing ditties.” They are tone deaf and a warped sense of what is amusing.
78. Is prone to shouting out the name of their spell when they cast it. 50% chance they are shouting the opposite of spell.
79. Has misanthropic pet suitcase.
80. Has inverted all of their DNA and now primarily lives in an alternative shadow biosphere. 
81. Has 12 crystals skulls they stole in their youth, they whisper terrible alien things.
82. Summons random demons for shits and giggles. 
83. Has a much more competent relative who is a witch.
84. Constantly creates and releases new types of bugs.
85. Has an oddly specific phobia that inhibits their magic.
86. Has a library full of absurd titles.
87. Has ruined the local water table with ceaseless defixiones
88. Is in fact a very old ghoul. 
89. Is made up of 1d8+1 lesser wizards who have performed Unfission. 
90. Is part of a University Cult.
91. Has a room at the Infinity Hotel and probably takes Math Drugs
92. Has a twin wizard (generate another one) whom they claim is evil, Both regularly send adventurers after one another
93. Is a Wizard Chef, possesses an Octarine Chef’s Knife, a pointed Toque and knows the secrets of the Platescape
94. Has split their 7 Souls, will become whole again if they come back together
95. Has an evershifting haunted Tower-Mansion
96. Is a powerful Radiomancer, possesses a lead body and a Demon Core heart
97. Experiments with STUFF to create NEWMEN
98. Is on the cusp of unlocking the power of Crisis Energy and understanding how to Mine Probability. 
99. Wizard Squared- Take all of the even or all the odd quirks
100. Wizard Cubed- Roll up 3 wizards and combine.