d100+ Terrible Steeds

One of the only things in this god forsaken world worse than politicians or Buer are horses. I’m  a few years late for the crazy steed generators that were going around, but that just means there is conceptual space for this awful stuff once again.

All pictures provided by https://thishorsedoesnotexist.com/

d2 Intelligence

1. Low Animal Cunning (think mischievous goat or stubborn donkey)
2. Disturbingly Intelligent (think Disney Horse)

d4 Price

1.  A Steal
2. A Deal
3. An Arm and Leg
4. A Ransom

d6 Layout/ General Body Plan

1. Equine
2. Avian/Saurian 
3. Reptilian
4. Insectile
5. Simian
6. Non-Euclidian 

D8 Disposition

1. Mercurian/cunning
2. Venusian/passionate
3. Lunarian/creative
4. Martian/focused
5. Jupiterian/ambitious
6. Saturnian/analytical
7. Apollon/fateful
8. HONSE

d10 Theme

1. Undead
2. Infernal
3. Steam-Powered
4. Rubber Hose Animation
5. Cubist
6. Disgustingly Cute
7. Topiary
8. Rat Fink
9. Stuffed
10. Uncanny Valley

d10 Number of Legs

1. No Legs, floats or crawls
2. 2 legs
3. 4 legs
4. 6 legs
5. 8 legs
6. 10 legs
7. 20 legs
8. 50 legs
9. 100 legs
10. 100+reroll, exploding

D12 Legends of the Steed

1. Once won 5 Adjacent-Dimension Kentucky Derbies in a single season
2. Is the ill gotten spawn of The Ur-Horse and a mortal creature
3. Was sent here from the future to assist a hero in their time of need, the steed doesn’t really know that
4. Is the first in a series of 666 steeds crafted by Wizard Phillipos, there is a serial number and signature under the front left hoof
5.  Was the only survivor of the Battle of Ophidion Peak
6. Escaped from the private stables of a distant emperor, a king’s ransom or beheading is awaiting whomever returns it
7. Had a stint as the steed for a Dullahan
8. Is the original upon which all Phantom Steeds are ultimately modeled from
9. Was once involved in a highly convoluted series of trades that started with a red paperclip
10. Is the current incarnation of a local cult’s messiah figure
11. Is the “horse” with No Name
12. Holds several world records, no one remembers which ones

D20 Previous Owners

1. Jean-Claude LeRoux, wine merchant, proponent of free love,  secret revolutionary
2. Tim, The Rat King
3. Lucky Lucie, a clown who lost all her luck when she tried to include this steed in her act.
4. N37W115, an alien life form who escaped capture with help of the steed
5. Ser Hogshead, barrel-knight of Gourmet Street
6. War of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, traded for an easier to care for model.
7. Don Quiwhatsit, gentleman adventurer, late seeker of the fountain of immortality
8. Anntoinette Bludsworth, Lady of 1000 Deaths, Zombie carnie of Cirque du Etoile 
9. Grizzy Alex McClung, frontier expanding traveller, traded steed out for new frontiers
10. Jen of Grimthorpe, a well dwelling grindylow who didn’t really need the horse after it was willed to her.
11. Scarlet-At-Sundown, a lesser faerie noble who “lost” the steed in a bet with a mortal
12. Jackie Pulpit, blacksmith and firearms expert of Craterton, traded the steed out for a basilisk. 
13. Doctor Theophilus Greystroke, Plague Doctor, snake oil salesman, possible doppelganger
14. Sergi Kozlov, a sentient swarm of bees inhabiting a spacesuit, convinced it is a human
15. Yoznorgaleth, Demon Prince of Equines. Didn’t particularly like this steed.
16. Abraham Van Halen, Rock Star and Vampire Hunter
17. A Bear
18. The Very Vilest Viziers, a group of 5 Grand Viziers who control the kingdom. This steed was their prop king for a time.
19. Old MacDonald, he had a farm before the Corporation showed up.
20. The steed was willed to itself and cannot officially be owned by anyone.

d100 Quirks

1. Endlessly produces more legs, they need to be cut off regularly 
2. It’s the Gift Horse, do not look into its mouth. DON’T DO IT MAN
3. Anyone mounting the steed fuses with it and must have a contest of wills to become the dominant mind
4. It is always too small or too large for any rider to fit comfortably.
5. The mount’s previous occupation was a scapegoat, everyone around it are purged of sin and curses but it and its rider absorb it instead.
6. You are supposed to ride inside of it
7. Demands to be carried a distance equal to what it carried you
8. Can speak 
   1. Imitating like a Parrot or Raven
   2. Communicate basic feelings 
   3. Says a single disconcerting word all the time. (MOIST)
   4. Exceptionally Erudite
9. Is a Horse Of A Different Color, staring too long at it causes headaches, afterimages, and photo-bleaching
10. Is Invisible
    1. All of it
    2. Just the Skin
11. Has udders
    1. Produces highly nutritious milk
    2. Produces highly concentrated acid
    3. Produces highly concentrated acid
    4. Produces something from this list
12. Used to belong to a hero/villain of great fame/infamy, now retired, old, and used to being spoiled
13. Has a zipper, if you unzip it 1d100! clowns escape and must be wrangled again into the steed-suit
14. Must be fed ten gallons of fresh blood a day 
15. Has an enchanted saddle, taking it off allows it to revert to its true form. The former steed will then attempt to force the saddle on the previous rider and turn them into a horse.
16. Is in fact an Ooze that is semi-solid, reverts to liquid when exposed to prolonged body heat
17. Has an extendable neck with measurably infinite length and an insatiable curiosity
18. Continuously hums at the 2k-5k Hz range
19. Has an obnoxiously long and convoluted name and refuses any commands that do not include the full name
20. Has a vicious hatred of other steeds and will go out of its way to harm or harass
21. Has all of the qualities of the most obnoxious 3-year old child you can think of
22. Defecates legitimate, environmental disaster toxic waste  
23. Has an equally terrible head on either end. Both want to go their own direction.
24. Has no head, just two buttocks on either end. Both like to buck.
25. It is a giant head with legs coming out.
26. It is as though a Horse Skeleton has been forced into this skin
27. This steed was generated by an alien AI and 3d printed into horrible life.
28. Wears a stupid hat
29.  Must be immersed in water regularly or it will dry out and wither. It is otherwise uncomfortably moist.
30. Has a terrible deathwish and is strangely delicious
31. Has wings but stubbornly refuses to fly without significant bribery
32. Clips through objects, doesn’t confer this to its riders
33. Ragdolls across 1d10! meters if hurt in any manner.
34. Is wild eyed and mad, haunted by the ghosts of its 1d20 previous owners.
35. Is coin operated, two slots- one for time, one for power
36. Obviously abuses steroids, so beefy that it can’t get to a full gallop. Can, however, juggernaut its way through obstacles.
37. The Nag of Nags, ancient scrawny creature, barely mobile. Cursed with immortality but not eternal youth.
38. Comes as a bandolier of vials, drink them to become the steed for 1d8 hours. Reroll on lists each time vial is used.
39. Has treads instead of legs, greater traction but decreased mobility and speed.
40. Has a circular body with legs aro….Nope, it’s just Buer. 
41. Has a large protective tortoise shell, will hide when startled.
42. Has taken priestly vows, can marry folks. Does so with impunity. 
43. Hopelessly addicted to some illicit substance, will have withdrawals if not constantly doped. Will steal your money for more drugs.
44. Is a cursed Prince/Princess, a kiss will free them. Unfortunately spent so long as a “horse” that they forgot any aspect of being human.
45. Is completely fearless–completely. 
46. Has seven heads and ten horns and ten crowns upon those horns. Bred by an apocalypse cult.
47. Has a seven fingered hand on a long serpentine neck instead of a head. Casts horrific magics if not bribed with sugar cubes.
48. Can break the sound barrier in a straight away, needs about a mile to break. Deaf.
49. Winnies whenever its owner lies.
50. Is a masochist, will only obey an owner who belittles and whips it. Needs a cigarette after a long gallop.
51. Grows thirty pounds of wool a day, needs daily shearing. 
52. Unable to take left turns.
53. Ignores gravity when it is convenient for it, but never when it has a rider
54. Teeth continuously grow and must be ground down before they pierce through the skull and into the steed’s brain
55. Teeth are continuously replaced like a shark’s, really likes to bite.
56. Is terribly clingy and jealous, will go on a ramage if not in proximity to its owner.
57. Possesses an extravagant mustache, won’t comply with any orders if it isn’t meticulously groomed.
58. Formed of one of the base elements:
    1. Fire
    2. Water
    3. Earth
    4. Air
    5. Slood
    6. Surprise
59. Is inside of a giant hamster ball, will explosively combust if exposed to outside air for more than a few seconds.
60. Will only work from 9-5 with a 30 minute lunch break. Stands up on hind legs, clocks out, and leaves the scene. Shows up ready for work again wherever you might be at 9 the next day.
61. Is a fairy steed, powered by belief. Any sign of disbelief in fairies cause it to weaken and die. Can be brought back by the clapping of children.
62. Through some strange technicality, this steed is actually considered a general in the local standing army. 
63. Has all the strengths and weaknesses of a vampire, still exclusively wants to eat hay and oats despite its need for blood.
64. Is named Antoine
65. Is a somnambulist, do not wake it up.
66. Is wanted by the crown for High Crimes
67. Spent many years hauling goods for merchants and has an excellent eye for business. Cannot bear to let its owner not barter or pass up a deal.
68. Is classed as ██████ but uncontainable by secret paranormal agencies
69. Cannot be physically harmed, but highly susceptible to emotional abuse.
70. Is a severe hypochondriac
71. Warranty expired two weeks ago
72. Has a long truck, part dream eater. 25% chance to eat its owner’s dreams each night. No rest, but immune to mental effects for the day
73. Exists concurrently within every space an approximately horse-sized creature, moves by quantum teleportation. Rider is swapped for a different quantum duplicate with randomized stats, class, race, background etc.
74. Can move along an additional coordinate plane beyond XYZ. Useful for traversing finite infinities and realms defined by dream logic. Tends to trip a lot in the material world.
75. Is a Novelty Zombie
76. The steed’s every action is accompanied by a liefmotif of music played out of the air by invisible ethereal instruments. William Tell Overture plays whenever it charges.
77. Is cold blooded and must spend most of its waking hours sunning.
78. Comes with a small, but vicious dog
79. Can be killed, cooked, eaten, and brought back to life the next morning. Tastes awful
80. Has all of the immunities and survival mechanisms of a tardigrade, about as smart as one too
81. Has 1d4 peg legs- if a 4 is rolled flip a coin, if heads it also has 1d2 eyepatches. 
82. Only gallops backwards
83. Has a terrible proboscis that is uses to suck nectar from flowers and give people the worst wet willies.
84. Has eyes the size of a colossal squid’s, can see FOREVER in the dark but is in blinding agony in the light.
85. Is a trained therapy “horse,” has eyes that look haunted.
86. Has problematic political opinions
87. A Yithian mind is in this steed currently, for research. 
88. Is secretly a Wizard, the “might explode at any minute” sort. 
89. Is haunted by the jockey who fell off and died in its last race. They’re short and surly. 
90. Splits via Mitosis every morning, fights to the death with is offspring/clone
91. Entirely made of sentient marzipan.
92. Is covered in tattoos detailing its life history, needs regular shaving and lotioning to see any of it.
93. Is mummified and is actually piloted by a plague of flesh eating locusts 
94. Refuses to eat anything unless its owner tastes it first for poison.
95. Somehow owes the Mafia/Thieves’ Guild/Yakuza/Criminal Enterprise large sums of cash
96. All of its body fluids are hallucinogenic, prone to spitting and pissing everywhere. 
97. Roll again on the entire list, this steed is the first steed’s best friend and they will wither and die if separated. Don’t do it you monster!
98. Frankensteed- Reroll 5 times and combine, each feature of the steed comes from another creature
99. Ignore everything, the steed is the worst of all. It is a Horse.
100. Ignore everything, the steed is a scrawny secretary looking person in a horse mask who didn’t sign up for this.