Goody Mooncup’s Discount Witch Flea Market (5d10)

Fat Witch by Jonas Jensen

Long time no see my Tasty Lovies! Goody Mooncup here to entice you down to Fowl Marsh Hut for my yearly Discount Witch Flea Market, where every trinket and doodad is guaranteed to only be mildly cursed. For those unlucky adventurers with but a few copper to their name, your average frugal wizard, or for those simply looking for a good deal and a good time!

 

Roll
Zargon Daz’s Evil Overlord Warehouse
1
Goblin Minion
2
Menacing Helmets
3
Self-Destruct System
4
Invincible Armor*
5
Crystal of Power
6
1 Gross of Human Skulls
7
Canned Wilhem
8
Black-ish Robes (Actually very dark navy blue)
9
“The Head of My Enemy”
10
Gilbert’s Guide to Gloating

Goblin Minion
– Zargon Daz here with a deal for you! We have on special this day one Goblin Minion! Watch your Goblin Minion blink one eye at a time! Put it in a basement, INSTANT DUNGEON! You can’t call yourself a Dark Lord without your very own Goblin Minion! Act now and you’ll get a lifetime supply of dead rats!
 
Menacing HelmetsGuaranteed to make your minions as intimidating as they are inaccurate! Comes in Midnight Black, Blood Red, Bone White, and Chartreuse! For an extra fee we will drill eye holes in the opaque face masks!
 
Self Destruct System- An evil Lair is not complete without being wired to several hundred kilograms of explosives! Comes with a free Big Red Button!
 
Invincible Armor*- Immune to scuffs, scratches, and dents! Fire proof, acid proof, bullet proof! Comes Bikini and Breastplate models. *Does not confer invincibility to the wearer.
 
Crystal of Power– The perfect energy source for all of your vile magics and insidious machines! Nothing says power like a ten foot tall pulsing red fragile crystal in the middle of your fortress!
 
1 Gross of Human Skulls– Want to decorate your lair but you don’t have that DIY talent? For simple but effective decor, simply place these skulls on every available surface. Act now and get a dozen pre-dribbled candles for free!
 
Canned Wilhelm– Is your minion’s throat sore from being tossed off of high buildings too many times? Can’t get that good dramatic scream? Worry not! From the makers of Canned Thunder and Canned Cackle comes Canned Wilhelm! All you need to do is pop the lid and instant death rattle!
 
Black-ish Robes– Due to a mix up with the supplier, we have received several dozen so-deep-blue-you-can’t-even-tell-it’s-not-black robes. Buy two get one free!
 
“The Head of My Enemy”– Tired of your minions never coming back with the battered remains of your foes? Need to relieve some stress? With “The Head of My Enemy” you can squeeze out all of those frustrations until its eyes pop! Collect them all!
 
Gilbert’s Guide to Gloating– You’ve got the dungeon, the goblin, and the evil laugh down, but until you learn to gloat and monologue, can you really call yourself an Evil Overlord and not just a mid-boss? The Guide to Gloating by Gilbert Gruesome will teach you the ins and outs of dramatic pauses, wide flourishing gestures, and how to say, “No! I’m Invincible!” with just the right inflection.
Roll
Red Herrings
1
The Crown of Destiny
2
The Tattered Snowglobe
3
The Single Ring, Replica
4
The Invisibility Ring
5
The Blarney Blade
6
The Thunderer’s Hammer
7
The Annihilated Sphere
8
The Vorpal-ish Sword
9
The Nipple of the Lich Lord
10
The Bag of Hoarding

The Crown of Destiny– An extremely powerful magical artifact forged in the heart of a star by angels for the Chosen One. Unfortunately due to a paperwork error, the Chosen One was a short lived opossum that choked on a cantaloupe rind. In the hands of anyone else, The Crown of Destiny is an exceptionally gaudy paperweight.

The Tattered Snowglobe-  Previously owned by the WINTER WIZARD and used to entrap a far off kingdom in ETERNAL WINTER. After the Winter Wizard fell in love with the knight sent to slay him, his heart melted and so did most of the power from his Snowglobe. It depicts a small castle with a few snow flurries when shaken. Holders of the Snowglobe always feel as though they have cold, wet socks on.

The One Ring, Replica-Scare halflings, worry wizards, and be respected by orcs!

The Invisibility Ring- Wonder and be amazed at the Invisibility Ring! What? You can’t see it? Of course you can’t, its Invisible!

The Blarney Blade- A very talkative magical sword that attempts to sell itself. While its gem encrusted hilt and its shining vorpal edge are impressive selling factors, its terrible accent (whatever is most annoying to the potential wielder) and complete devotion to non-violence make it a hard sell.

The Thunderer’s Hammer– A mighty warhammer supposedly lost by a storm god. Unfortunately it can only be lifted by someone deemed worthy by said god. Right now it, and about half ton of earth it is sitting on, is in a cart pulled by an especially ornery goat.

The Annihilated Sphere– Well it was here just a minute ago.

The Vorpal-ish Sword– Only goes Snicker, not Snack. Cuts off heads on a critical, cuts off the wielder’s head on a critical fail.

The Nipple of the Lich Lord- Part of the left over remains of a Lich who ascended to godhood, known more famously for his hand and his eye. His mummified nipple, about the size of a copper piece, has a bit of his necromantic power infused in it, but is admittedly pretty disgusting.

The Bag of Hoarding– What appears to be a particularly ratty looking bag of holding. It miraculously appears to have an infinite carrying capacity and never weighs more than 5 lbs. However it adamantly refuses to allow anything to be removed from it.

Roll
Wartz
1
Hunch Enhancer
2
Teeth Blackener
3
Corn Fertilizer
4
Stretchmark Puller
5
Eye Bagger
6
De-volumizing Shampoo
7
Patent Pending Nose Crooker
8
Odeur de Crapaud
9
Demoisturizing Lotion
10
Wrinkling Cream

Hunch Enhancer – From the line of Igor Beauty Products comes the Hunch Enhancers. Ever find that your hunch is just not impressing the Frankenstein in your life? With the Hunch Enhancer, you can say goodbye to good posture and hello to a beautifully twisted spine. “Before the hunch enhancer you wouldn’t have even been able to tell I was a mad scientist’s lab assistant, but now I’m so hunched you can practically stack all those outdated medical textbooks on me like a shelf! Thanks Hunch Enhancers!” “You might have thought that Hunch Enhancers were only for men, but for a witch like me, the Hunch Enhancer has given me just the edge I needed to look truly haggard!” Comes with a free sample of Wizard Pith’s Wart Cream guaranteed to give you supple toad-like skin or your coppers back.

Teeth Blackener– Whether you want to be a beauty or a terror,  Madam Molasses’ Teeth Blackener will give you that pitch black smile you always wanted.

Corn Fertilizer– Works on bunions too!

Stretchmark Puller– Rubrae or Albae, Stomach, arms or Crow’s Feet, the Stretchmark Puller does it all!

Eye Bagger– Do you want baggy, purple, tired eyes but you can’t help but get a full night’s rest? Wartz is proud to present the Eye Bagger to get those weary, swollen stares you’ve always wanted.

Frizzing Shampoo– Will reduce volume by up to 50% and increase split ends by 50% or 50% of your coppers back!

Patent Pending Nose Crooker– Stretches and crooks without all the hassles of age and fist fights. Wartz is not responsible for extra nostrils or smelling of other dimensions.

Odeur de Crapaud– Far from home and missing the smell of the swamp? Odeur de Crapaud will bring back those scents of mud, stagnant water, and reptiles that you crave.

Demoisturizing Lotion– Recommended for use with the Stretchmark Puller to ensure that the all essential pruned skin aesthetic is obtained.

Wrinkling Cream– For daily maintenance of those beautiful skin furrows you’ve worked so hard for.

Roll
Zaney Zeke’s Discount Steeds
1
One Humped Bactrian
2
Cabeiri Horse
3
The Very Last Dodo
4
Velociraptor
5
Velocipede of Velocity 
6
Felis Maximus
7
Broom, Only One Previous Owner!
8
Swimming Carpet
9
Steam Powered Monocycle
10
Gift Horse

 One Humped Bactrian– Half a camel for half the price! Where is the other half? I do not know but she still seems to run just fine!

Cabeiri Horse– Cast of Bronze, Divinely Fueled, the Cabeiri horses are made for someone who needs a truly reliable and loyal steed. No amount of padding seems to make the ride any more comfortable and won’t work in the rain.
The Very Last Dodo– That’s right! This here is the genuine article, the Last Living Dodo. Perfect size for a child or a hafling, or can pull a small sledge. The weight of its eventual death and the extinction of its kind is entirely on you.
Velociraptor– What do you mean you were expecting something big and scaley? No, this isn’t some sort of mutant chicken. Listen bub, it is not my fault that archeology has discovered more since you were into dinosaurs as a ten year old.
Velocipede of Velocity– A marvel of science and magic, this Penny-Farthing can reach speeds that put the most hotblooded horse to shame. It might be a bit difficult to steer….and break…and get onto, but you’ll be the talk of the town!
Felis Maximus– Twenty hands at the withers, this orange tabby puts even the largest of lions to shame. You can be assure that this constant companion is box trained and is very good about soft-paws. They’re about as reliable as your average domestic cat.
Broom– I have here a broom once ridden by Goody Mooncup her very own self. She once used this broom to surmount Mount Wassitcawl in a single night! Disclaimer: No assurance of the power of flight to non-witches.
Swimming Carpet– Flying Carpet? That is so thousand and one nights ago. This here is a swimming carpet! It can dive to the bottom of the sea and surface again in no time. You must provide your own air and protection against pressure/decompressor.
Steam Powered Monocycle– A prototype showing we truly are in the Magical Industrial Revolution! This monocycle is powered by readily available coal and water and only produces environmentally friendly* steam. It can rarely be beat in a straight away! Not meant for terrain rougher than paved streets, prone to gerbiling during rapid changes of velocity (breaking or accelerating.)
Gift Horse– Its free! Yes free! Take it! It’s a gift! Don’t mention it. No refunds. Don’t look in its mouth.
Roll
Bargain Bin
1
Eye of the Beholder
2
The Convo-Cactus
3
Porcelain Fork
4
The Dentures of Black Annis
5
Sovereign Thimble
6
Hat of Picky Devouring
7
12 oz of Whoopass
8
The Unnerving Doll
9
Mead of Poetry Beer of Limericks
10
The Most Powerful Shoe in the Universe

Eye of the Beholder– The preserved central eye of the famed Eye Tyrants. Ask it a question and give it a shake and it will give you one of twenty random incredulous and hateful remarks about you.
The Convo-Cactus– An animated companion for those cold loney minutes in the early morning. This small potted cactus will have casual small talk with you whenever you are going about your “business.” It never remembers one conversation to the next, but it is surprisingly knowledgeable in puns and current sports statistics.
Porcelain Fork– Crafted by the True Elves in their Temporal Kingdoms, this particular Porcelain Fork is an oyster fork and depicts a miniaturized seascape with a handle of mother-of-pearl. It does a pretty good job shucking oysters, but only if placed to the right of the spoons and only if the rest of the dining set is together. Otherwise it somehow refuses to stab anything. Used by Elf parents to teach their children table manners.
The Dentures of Black Annis– A steady diet of naughty obese children left the famed Black Annis’ teeth with more holes in them than an Adventurer’s pocket. These iron dentures are reasonable functional replacements, if your mouth is proportional to being a 15’ tall giant with three rows of grinding teeth. They grind together noisily in the presence of youth.
Sovereign Thimble-Trick your friends, prank your rivals. This “gold” plated thimble contains a drop of sovereign glue and will nigh permanently bond to whatever is stuck inside of it. Goody Mooncup is not to be held responsible for irresponsible uses of the Sovereign Thimble.
Hat of Picky Devouring-Previously owned by Gregor the Ghastly Gourmand, the Hat of Picky Devouring was once a Bag of Devouring that was stitched onto the inside of a beaver skin top hat. At one time it was used to consume Gregor’s social rivals, however it developed such a refined palette that it would only consume the most elite of victims. When placed upon one’s head, the Hat will bite down and be incapable of removal without Remove Curse or ripping it off and dealing 1d6 Con damage. It will incessantly speak about all of the famed victims it has eaten and demand the wearer seek one worthy of wearing it/being devoured by it. At this point, it will only consume Marquesses or greater.
12 oz of Whoopass-  A small tin can that nominally holds 12 ounces of pure whoopass. Unfortunately can openers have not been invented yet and the contents expired last year.
The Unnerving Doll- Egad, just look at this damn thing. Those damn porcelain eyes…Listen bud, I will literally pay you to take this awful thing. I promise it ain’t cursed to whisper things to you in your sleep or follow you around the house or kill your pets or anything like that.
Mead of Poetry Beer of Limericks-It’s true what the say about ale, When it has grown quite stale. It smells like a skunk, But still gets you drunk; I guess that’s why this was on sale.
The Most Powerful Shoe in the Universe- Passed down through the ages from foot to foot, this shoe is undeniably the most powerful shoe ever. It is said that the cordwainer who crafted this piece of marvelous footwear obtained the leather from Taurus, the Great Bull of Heaven, the laces woven from Aglaophotis  fibers, the hobnails forged of meteoric iron, and the sole literally crafted from the corwainer’s very own soul. Problem is, the cordwainer only had one soul to give, leaving the Most Powerful Shoe in the Universe without a mate. The last known owner of the Shoe was one Mr. Muldoon who in his Last Will and Testament bade his attorney to beat his various ungrateful money-grubbing relatives over it the head with it. We found it in a crater where the law office once stood. It is size 11 men’s and weighs approximately twelve tons.

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