One Guard Always Speaks

One Guard Always Speaks:

1. In Harsh Truths
2. In Pretty Lies
3. In Convoluted Charades
4. In Obscure Riddles
5. In Interpretive Dance
6. In Long Winded Soliloquies
7. In Morse Code
8. In Belches
9. In SHOUTS
10. In Whispers
11. In Song (50% chance terribly off key)
12. In The Language of Birds
13. In Semaphore
14. In Yodels
15. In Whaling and Gnashing of Teeth
16. In The voice and mannerisms of your most significant ex
17. In drawn rebuses
18. In Binary Code
19. In Reverse
20. In Baby Talk
21. In an incomprehensibly thick accent
22. In Smoke Signals (Or are they just blowing smoke in your face?)
23. In The Language of Flowers
24. In Voynichese
25. In Sign Language
26. In ANIMALISIC GROWLS AND SHRIEKS
27. In Empathic Vibrations
28. In Invasive Telepathy
29. In Incredibly pointed insults
30. In Childish Mockery
31. In Solresol
32. In Archaic True Elvish
33. In Thieves’ Cant
34. In Metaphorical Allegory (Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra)
35. In Expressive Eyebrow Waggles 
36. In Iambic Pentameter
37. Through Ventriloquism through a hand puppet
38. In Beatboxing
39. In Buccal Speech (Think Donald Duck)
40. In Situationally appropriate religious quotes
41. In Repetitive canned responses (Like Skyrim NPCs or Republicans)
42. Furtively skirting around the topic
43. In a prepared speech on notecards, only they’re all out of order and oh god will you not look while they’re fumbling, this is so embarrassing 
44. In Haiku
45. In Labyrinthian Legalese 
46. In Flatula 
47. In a very bad Dracula impression
48. In Passive-Aggressive Mumbling
49. In OwO Nyah~
50. “Don’t, no, no. No, go away. I’m not talking until I’ve had my coffee.”
51. In INTENSE FLEXING
52. Through an Oracle Deck
53. In a pre-recorded Slogan
54. through a non-verbal picture board that is honestly incomplete and poorly drawn.
55. In a complex haptic language of handshakes
56. through emotive Asemic writing
57. with a keyboard talkbox
58. in old Entish
59. only after they’ve been defeated in an arm wrestling contest.
60. while possessed by one of many queued up spirits.
61. only to those who have coordinated an appointment two weeks in advance. 
62. In stifled humming, oh… someone’s stitched their lips shut. 
63. through a megaphone even at pointblank range. Its got a siren button too.
64. Only after consulting their necktie.
65. In extremely fast sentences with no punctuation and a thousand different tangents and digressions that just seem to go on and on forever and it is just so hard to get them to shut up when they get going and if you are able to get in a word edgewise then that just spawns another trail of free-association thoughts…
66. In perfect mimicry of the voice and mannerisms of whomever they are speaking to.
67. In Obnoxious Memes
68. In Cockney Rhyming Slang
69. In Extremely awkward flirtations
70. Completely normally but they have absolutely awful halitosis. 
71. with extreme confidence about things that they know nothing about
72. …or at least tries to as their overbearing sentient sword talks over them
73. In the Secret Language of the Druids
74. In the Secret Language of the Dudes
75. With a Valley Girl accent 
76. As though they were talking to a particularly dense child.
77. In short bursts when you pull the string on their back.
78. In Koans
79. through a red-eyed haze of Old Toby pipe-weed
80. through gritted teeth and squeezed legs, they’ve been waiting too long for their shift to be over so they can piss.
81. though an immense dour malaise that is just incredibly depressing
82. as thought they’ve known you for years–how have you been man? Gods its been a moment hasn’t it? You still doing the whole adventuring business? Yeah guarding isn’t much but its honest work.
83. but charges per word.
84. only after taking a deep huff from a helium balloon.
85. But is under the influence of some weird drugs.
86. But only over a couple of pints at the local tavern
87. and everything they say becomes true.
88. In sports analogies 
89. But only after their petty squabble with another local is dealt with
90. But they are extremely concerned that you are someone connected to their incredibly niche phobia.
91. but only about the multilevel marketing scheme that they are too deep into to back out now.
92. but first you have to watch their standup comedy routine.
93. In frustrating vagaries 
94. But only through playing Truth or Dare
95. But they only vocalize every other word 
96. but first you must answer me these questions three!
97. in Pig Latin
98. through poorly decorating icing on cakes
99. in fluent Parisian French, for some reason.
100. Nothing, just a blank stare