Godawful Griffons

Sorry it has been so long since I posted, I’ve been writing for things like Sooty Beards and An Infinity of Ships and 100 Strangers and also doing Needle Felting, hit me up on discord or something if you want to see more of that.

Have a new terrible d100 Generator for 2026.

Is it Godawful?

1. Yes
2. Fuck yes

D4 Intelligence

1. Bird Brained
2. Low Cunning
3. Unfortunately Capable of Speech
4. Smart Ass

D6 Why does this Griffon Exist?

1. A Wizard Did It
2. An Unnatural Love Affair
3. Horny Druids
4. Magical pollution
5. Created by a singularly sadistic deity
6. Strangely enough, 100% naturally evolved.

D8 Godawful Griffon Powers

1. Trash-Sense: Can sense the location of the largest concentration of refuse with a ten mile area 
2. 360 Head Turn: Regardless of their Bird Bit, this griffon can spin their head like Beetlejuice
3. Magical Scraps: Either the leftover energies of its creation or something it ate allows this Griffon to cast a random discount spell whenever it gets particularly stressed
4. Wizard Vision: This Griffon has Wizard Vision but not necessarily the intelligence to interpret its insane visions
5. Optocollic reflex: Y’know that thing with how you can move a chicken’s body all around but its head stays still and stable.
6. Auto-Pilot: This Griffon can sleep while flying long distances. More useful than you think
7. Hover: Against all logic and physics, this Griffon can hover in place like a hummingbird.
8. MEGA RABIES: THIS GRIFFON HAS IT

D10 Bird Bit

1. Just Birds Generally
   1. Rock Pigeon
   2. Piliated Woodpecker
   3. White Bellbird
   4. Potoo
   5. Canadian Goose
   6. Hooded Pitoui
2. Vulture
   1. Turkey 
   2. Monk 
   3. Bearded
   4. Griffon
   5. Condor
   6. King
3. Corvid
   1. Raven
   2. Blue Jay
   3. Magpie
   4. Crow
   5. Jackdaw
   6. Rook
4. Raptors
   1. Secretary Bird
   2. Harpy Eagle
   3. Northern White Faced Owl (That one that transforms)
   4. Osprey
   5. Peregrine Falcon
   6. Hook Billed Kite
5. Sea Bird
   1. Blue Footed Booby
   2. Albatross
   3. Seagull
   4. Pelican
   5. Frigitebird 
   6. Cormorant
6. Wading Bird
   1. Flamingo
   2. Shoebill
   3. Australian White Ibis (Bin Chicken)
   4. Great Blue Heron
   5. Marabou Stork
   6. Ruff
7. Flightless
   1. Penguin
   2. Ostrich
   3. Emu
   4. Kakapo
   5. Cassowary
   6. Road Island Red Chicken
8. Exotic
   1. Hyacinth Macaw
   2. Vogelkop lophorina
   3. Peacock
   4. Toucan
   5. Lyrebird
   6. Lucifer Hummingbird
9. Extinct
   1. Dodo
   2. Kelenken
   3. Great Auk
   4. Pelagornis
   5. Archaeopteryx
   6. A FUCKING T-REX
10. Legendary
    1. Oozlum Bird
    2. Simurgh
    3. Stymphalian
    4. Pheonix
    5. Cockatrice
    6. Roc

D10 Not Bird Bit

1. Traditional
   1. Oppossum
   2. Racoon
   3. Squirrel
   4. Rat/Mouse
   5. Skunk
   6. IMMENSE ROACH
2. Caniformia
   1. Canine
      1. Timber Wolf
      2. Coyote
      3. Dingo
      4. Jackel
      5. Domestic Dog
      6. Manned Wolf
   2. Fox
      1. Red
      2. Gray
      3. Fennec
      4. Artic
      5. Hoary
      6. Crab Eating
   3. Tanuki/Racoon Dog
   4. Kinkajou
   5. Ursidae
      1. Brown Bear
      2. Black Bear
      3. Polar Bear
      4. Sloth Bear
      5. Sun Bear
      6. Panda
   6. Musteloid
      1. Weasels of all sorts
      2. Badger
      3. Honey Badger
      4. Wolverine
      5. Coati
      6. Red Panda
3. Feliformia
   1. Feral Domestic Cat–or a Sphynx
   2. Fossa
   3. Mongoose
   4. Lion
   5. Hyena
   6. Binturong
4. Primate
   1. Bonobo
   2. Gorilla
   3. Orangutan
   4. Aye-Aye
   5. Ring-Tailed Lemur
   6. Slow Loris
5. Reptile
   1. Iguana
   2. Komodo Dragon
   3. Crocodile
   4. Mole-Lizard
   5. Thorny Devil
   6. Chameleon
6. Sea Mammal
   1. Walrus
   2. Manatee
   3. Seal
   4. Sea Otter
   5. Narwhal
   6. Blue Whale
7. Rodents
   1. Naked mole rat
   2. Squirrel
   3. Porcupine
   4. Mole
   5. Capybara
   6. Beaver
8. Ungulant
   1. Pot Bellied Pig
   2. Okapi
   3. Dik-dik
   4. Giraffe
   5. Moose
   6. Tapir
9. Weird/Other
   1. Marsupial
      1. Wombat
      2. Kangaroo
      3. Thylacine
      4. Koala
      5. Tasmanian Devil
      6. Bandicoot 
   2. Monotreme
      1. Playtypus
      2. Echidna
      3. ….There aren’t any others
   3. Xenarthra
      1. Sloth, two toed or three toed flip a coin
      2. Giant Anteater
      3. Armadillo
      4. …That’s it, go look at some of the variety of weird armadillos on Wikipedia or something
   4. Pangolin
   5. Camel
      1. Dromedary
      2. Bactrian
      3. Llama
      4. Alpaca
      5. Guanaco
      6. Vicuñas
   6. Mantis Shrimp
10. Extinct/Weirder/Legendary
    1. Giant Ground Sloth
    2. Glyptodon
    3. Kraken
    4. Manticore
    5. Bonnacon
    6. Tarrasque

D12 What is its nest made of?

1. Plastic Bags
2. The bones of its component animals 
3. A tangle of fishing lines and colorful lures
4. T E E T H and floss
5. Hazardous waste barrels
6. Hardened spittle ( worth a great deal to some folks fo soup)
7. Old Boots and shredded collectible cards
8. Hair, fur, and wigs
9. Meticulously twisted and woven silverware
10. Smooshy trash bags 
11. One very large and very tattered beanbag
12. Tattered stuffed animals and cat toys

All Dragons Horde, All Griffons Protect. The difference is, a dragon goes out and collects a niche item of interest, be it treasure or toenails, and gathers it in one place to sleep on. A Griffon is drawn to a territory that resonates with it, and then they fiercely patrol it. A noble Eagle-Lion Griffon is often drawn to sites of power– the gate to the promised land, an ancient treasure, and suchlike. A Trash Griffon, on the other hand, is usually drawn to somewhere awful as awful and bizarre as they are.

D20 What it protects

1. A nuclear waste dump in the depths of a forbidding desert
2. A 500 ton pile of left shoes
3. A vast necropolis, that is on the precipice of a massive zombie outbreak 
4. The Wrong Side Of The Tracks
5. One of the Tooth Fairy’s Caches
6. A Hellmouth 50/50 which side it is protecting
7. A hyper-saline lake
8. An irradiated crater from a crashed extraterrestrial spacecraft
9. The active site of Thaumoturgic Bomb testing
10. An Un-Wishing Well
11. A rich seam of crystal meth
12. Any of These Places or Those Places
13. An Urban Druidic Grove
14. A Trash-Witch, as a familiar
15. The fungus laden rotscape of a former World Tree
16. The door to the bathroom on the 6th floor. 
17. A random untouched hectare of land in the middle of an otherwise highly industrialized city
18. A sargasso, trash, and wreckage laden oceanic gyre
19. A shaft straight down to a D3rr0 Mind Control Engine in the Veins of the Earth
20. One very specific dumpster

D100 Quirks

1. Roll up another griffon, these two griffons are caught in an eternal staring contest
2. This griffon possesses a third eye which it can use to telepathically insert thoughts into those it locks eyes with. It usually demands junk food.
3. This griffon is carrying a good dozen of its young, clinging to its back and raising a cacophony
4. This griffon has a thorn in its paw…talon…whatever. It’ll be so grateful to the person who removes it that they’ll hock up their last meal to share.
5. This griffon is the terrible offspring of two other completely different griffons. Roll another griffon up and combine.
6. This griffon is all tacked up for riding–the corpse of the last person to try is still strapped in the saddle.
7. This griffon is phenomenally unlucky, or rather everyone around it is. If there is potential for a coincidence to cause harm or embarrassment near it, the potential becomes a given.
8. This griffon has a bezoar that is the only antidote to the terrible poison that drips from its beak. 
9. This griffon escaped from a miniaturized magic circus and fits in the palm of your hand
10. This griffon can mimic voices with uncanny accuracy, though it does not necessarily understand what it is mimicking
11. This griffon acts as the tribal guardian for a clan of Goblins 
12. A local minor noble house uses this griffon in their heraldry
13. This griffon possesses two heads, roll up another bird!
14. This is a Reverse Griffon, the lower body is that of a bird and the head and forelimbs are that of…their not-bird animal
15. Replace the Not-Bird bit with a Giant Tardigrade.
16. This Griffon has a Breath Weapon
    1. It sprays a torrent of spiders
    2. It hocks up a dense ball of trash like a cannonball
    3. It vomits a shrapnel storm of hypodermic needles
    4. It retches a wave of bile that combusts on contact with flesh
    5. It hurls a cascade of blinding foam, 10% chance of contracting rabies
    6. It pukes an egg that hatches into a swarm of miniature griffons
17. This Griffon is infested with mushfolk spores, a parasitic cap grows from its head
18. This Griffon is extremely high
19. Replace the Not-Bird Bit with a WEIRD GOAT
20. Replace the Not-Bird bit with a TERRIBLE STEED
21. Replace the Not-Bird Bit with a WEIRD BUG
22. This griffon has been rolling around in the sharps bin and is now the vector of a plethora of strange and awful diseases.
23. For some reason this Griffon is wearing inlines on all four paws/hooves/whatever. 50/50 whether it is surprisingly agile or a complete mess.
24. This Griffon is actually two clowns stuck in a tandem costume.
25. Any corpses devoured by this griffon are later puked up as Skeleton Jellies
26. This Griffon witnessed THE SHAPE OF THE UNIVERSE and is now paralyzed by the KNOWLEDGE OF INFINITY. Do not engage with it psychically.
27. This Griffon was once the noble steed of a famed Paladin until both were cursed into new and wretched forms. Reuniting them may break the curse.
28. This Griffon is the mascot for a local wizard university but it escaped during a Fireball Derby Championship game. They don’t necessarily want it back.
29. This Griffon’s heart is the final ingredient in an elixir of eternal youth…or was it unending painful death?
30. This Griffon is a mule for illicit spell components. One miscast spell near it may set the whole thing off.
31. This Griffon is a Chimera, Roll on the Not-Bird bit twice more for its extra heads.
32. This Griffon is a Meat-Voltron piloted by appropriately sized and costumed Gnomes
33. This Griffon once had to help “save” Christmas after Red Water Fever laid waste to the reindeer stables. The Illuminati had to sacrifice 1000 years worth of February 30th’s to erase the trauma from the Collective Memory
34. This Griffon is the reason why Wizards are banned from putting animals into Occult Particle Accelerators. 
35. This Griffon is one of the Thirteen Avatars of the Inverted Zodiac, set free to wreck chaos onto our world. 
36. This Griffon’s talons drip with alkahest, no dumpster in the world is safe.
37. If wounded, this Griffon bleeds deconstructed owls.
38. This griffon can extend its neck out with the speed and range of a crossbow bolt
39. This griffon lays plastic eggs that hatch into questionable toys made of the trash it’s eaten or those awful chalk heart candies.
40. This Griffon is wearing a strange crown for some reason.
41. This Griffon grazes on a secluded patch of alchemical herbs and its meat is both incredibly toxic and incredibly valuable to the right people.
42. This Griffon acts as the pack animal of that weird merchant that somehow shows up at the bottom of the dungeon before you do.
43. This Griffon communicates by:
    1. Screaming like a human infant
    2. Belching 
    3. Making Godzilla Noises
    4. Stomping morse code
    5. Combining the noises of its component animals in the worst possible way
    6. A variety of unique and potent smells
44. This Griffon will endlessly follow anyone who feeds it
45. This Griffon has severe empty nest syndrome and will attempt to adopt and mother-bird feed anyone who approaches it without violent intent.
46. This Griffon has 500 to 1 odds at the races, but it is Grand Chawhee’s birthday.
47. This Griffon’s territory is rumored to contain a true treasure horde of gold–but it’s all pyrite. 
48. This Griffon goes out of its way to take a daily shit on the statue of a local historic figure that wronged it centuries ago.
49. A couple of magical talking horses once tried to teach this Griffon about the power of friendship but were instead met with the power of rabies.
50. While a noble griffon’s feather can cure blindness, this Griffon’s feather just cures astigmatism 
51. This Griffon is actually a Lamassu who was exiled after getting drunk and failing to protect their assigned palace. Replace the head with that of an unkempt human and give them an alcohol dependency. 
52. This Griffon follows a migratory path between the Diamond Mountain At The End of the World and The Void From Which Time is Wrought. It’ll get there within the next Kalpa if you really want to follow it. 
53. This Griffon inexplicably has the personality of a laptop. Better home its not the Roc-Blue Whale Griffon.
54. This Griffon spends most of its time as a stone statue guarding the gates of an ancestral shrine. A descendent of these ancestors is in trouble and this Griffon was accidentally released to save them instead of a more competent guardian spirit.
55. This Griffon drank from a spring polluted with hundreds of defixiones and now anyone it bites gets inflicted with a random minor curse
56. This Griffon is actually an incredibly cursed plush animal sewn together by a lonely Craftwitch (different from Witchcraft). Don’t ask what the stuffing is.
57. This Griffon recently flew through the clotheslines of a wizard university and is currently wrapped up in a mass of enchanted robes, giving it magical protection like that of a Flail Snail
58. This Griffon’s plumage is Stygian Blue and looking at it has the same effect as staring at the Sun.
59. This Griffon radiates a 5G signal. This isn’t very useful in the fantasy-medieval times except that it attracts murder hornets
60. This Griffon can fly to the moon and back in the span of a day–but it doesn’t offer any protections to potential riders
61. This Griffon guards a full set of Unbreakable Elven Cutlery, including a pair of traditional after-dinner dueling pistols. 
62. This Griffon is actually the result of the developers laying a bird texture over an animal skeleton mesh, resulting in a glitching, twisted hellspawn. Give it the abilities of a Paradox Angel and the intelligence of whatever not-bird animal they are.
63. On top of the awfulness they already have, this Griffon has an additional Animal Mutation.
64. This Griffon is kept as a pet/curiosity by an Eccentric Fantasy Billionaire. 
65. This Griffon serves as a shared messenger between the 24 Sun Gods, mostly relaying harassment, threats, and vulgarities.
66. This Griffon guards a door to one of the imaginary levels of the Infinity Hotel. You probably shouldn’t bother it unless you have some serious Math Drugs on your person.
67. This Griffon absolutely reeks.
68. SOMEONE REPLACED THIS GRIFFON’S WINGS WITH CHAINSAWS!
69. There is a pair of these griffons performing a complex flying mating ritual which may or may not result in one of them being powerslammed into the ground with the force of a bunkerbuster missile.
70. Replace the Bit-Bit with a Lunar Owl.
71. This Griffon was stitched together by a drunk necromancer and set free to roam the world. It is affected by spells and effects as an undead and has a “Drunk Gas” breath weapon
72. The Wizard died and their familiar exploded into this thing. It goes on a rampage for about an hour before flying straight up to ascend to some other realm.
73. This is a were-griffon, getting bit by it will 49% of the time cause the infected to become a were-bird, 49% a were-beast or 2% another were-griffon. When not going on a trash-hunting bloodrage, this weregriffon is an accountant named Lesley.
74. This Griffon is illustrated by Evlyn Moreau and is therefore 50% more endearing than it otherwise would be.
75. This Griffon is actually a giant single celled amoeba that is very bad at mimicking other life forms. When you get close to investigate it’ll just wrap around you with its pseudopods. 
76. This Griffon is trained for mountain rescuers like a Saint Bernard, but it drank all of the alcohol in its neck barrel and is about two minutes from careening into a peak.
77. Through a number of confusing loopholes and circumstances, this Griffon is Freemason Worshipful Master.
78. This Griffon exists out of sync with the waking world and can only be seen and interacted with when one’s eyes are shut. 
79. This Griffon has the brain of a failed henchman placed into its skull then EMBIGIFIED to KAIJU size!
80. This Griffon dwells in the City’s sewers and reigns supreme over its vermin denizens. 
81. This Griffon is entirely plucked and hairless. Don’t ask me why,
82. This Griffon is tasked with eternally patrolling a singularly weird Castle.
83. Did you know that all the things you can find in a Troll Stomach you can find in a Griffon’s?
84. This Griffon guards the doors to The Eternal Cellar, a wine cellar turned megadungeon that TLN never got around to writing up.
85. THIS GODAWFUL GRIFFON IS ACCOMPANIED BY A POSSE OF EQUALLY AWFUL BUER MINIONS!
86. This Griffon was created by a Furry making a wish on a Monkey’s Paw.
87. Use this list instead to generate the component parts of this Griffon.
88. This Griffon’s hide seems like it would be perfect for making a Bag of Holding, but instead it always becomes a Bag of Devouring.
89. This Griffon was roasted with fine herbs and spices but refused to actually die, and now its like an awful vengeful turkey dinner come to life. It spews flesh-searing stuffing from its neckhole.
90. This Griffon crows ear-shatteringly loudly at each sunrise–only in a timezone on the opposite side of the planet.
91. This Griffon votes on issues from the completely opposite political spectrum from you, just for spite because how awful they are.
92. This Griffon is actually a triceratops that has been misidentified and costumed up to support a wizard’s theory.
93. Any eggs that are hatched by this Griffon become a different variety of Godawful Trash Griffon.
94. SHIT! THERE’S A FLOCK OF 2d100 OF THESE THINGS!
95. This Griffon famously terrorizes beach goers, especially ones with crisps or glizzies.
96. This GRYPHON is just intelligent enough to be violently pedantic about your spelling of its species name and can hear the difference.
97. This Griffon is actually a polluted minor genius loci and a good bath will wash away its terribleness–which will ultimately infect some other hapless creature.
98. This Griffon’s arrival always heralds the coming of WEIRD WEATHER.
99. This Griffon isn’t so godawful, in fact its diet is entirely made up of TERFs and Fascists. 
100. This Griffon is the earthly avatar of the Deity of Garbage with all the…benefits that dubious honor entails.