d100 Crazy Castle Generator

1d2 Haunted?

1. Absolutely
2. Undeniably 

1d4 Size

1. Tower
2. Keep
3. Palace Complex
4. Megastructure 

1d6 Topography

1. Hill/Cliff
2. Cave
3. Island
4. Lowland/Plains
5. Marsh/Swamp
6. Forest

1d8 Title of Nominal Owner– Could very well be ruined, captured, or otherwise

1. Castellan- Landed Knight
2. Baron/Baroness
3. Viscount/Viscountess
4. Earl/Countess
5. Marquess/Marchioness
6. Duke/Duchess
7. Prince/Princess
8. King/Queen

 1d10 Defensive/offensive Features

1. Crocodile/Hippo/Piranha etc. Infested Moat
2. Murder Holes
3. Sally Port
4. Additional Curtain Walls
5. Labyrinth 
6. Catapults
7. Boiling oil channels
8. Ballista
9. Trebuchet
10. An actually well trained standing army

1d10 Architecture Style

1. Romanesque
2. Gothic
3. Edwardian
4. Perpendicular
5. Baroque 
6. Brutalist
7. Organic
8. Neolithic
9. Cubist
10. Non-Euclidian 

1d12 Primary Building Material

1. Packed Dirt
2. Wattle and Daub
3. Wooden Stockades
4. Clay Brick
5. Stacked Boulders
6. Lime Mortar/Tabby
7. Sandstone
8. Granite
9. Marble
10. Iron Plates
11. Reinforced Glass
12. Invisible Walls of Force

1d20 Unique Castle Residents

1. Bill Farrier- Bill is the son of a farrier, who was the son of a farrier, and on up the line until the first horse was shod. He knows the Horseman’s Word and can shoe an army in a day. 
2. The Emperor of Arms- There are Kings of Arms across the world who managed the genealogies and heraldry of aristocratic lines. The Emperor of Arms collects and manages everything the Kings gather. We’re certain they’ve been alive of millenia and they can tell your family line by how you breathe.
3. The Arch-Wizard- You’d think they’re really powerful, but they’re just very good with architecture. You should see the domes they design.
4. Tim, The Rat King- I don’t owe you an explanation.
5. The Very Vilest Viziers- A host of especially seedy viziers who somehow remain the powers behind the metaphorical throne. 
6. Henry the “Horse”- There is something very very wrong with this horse.
7. Saint Christopher’s Dog- The dog headed St. Chris the Canine (Cannanite) isn’t here, but his dog is. Jeb has the body of a rat terrier and the head of a man. He’s an expert at theology, but he can’t stop sniffing butts.
8. Bobrick Dung The Gong Farmer- When shit hits the fan, they’re the one cleaning up the mess.
9. The Sweeper- Just this small unassuming old person with a broom. They seem to be everywhere, no lock seems to bar them. Do not tempt fate by trifling with the Sweeper
10. Mistah Bipps- They claim to be the court bard and leader of a four man goblin band. They’re also a sentient sock puppet
11. The Iron Chef- After the deaths of many food tasters, the spirit of a renowned chef was bound to this tireless body of metal to better safeguard their faire from contamination. The unfortunate side effect has been the slow lead poisoning.
12. Laetus the Adopmancer- Nude but for a pointed hat and ceremonial charms, the corpulent Laetus is carried about on a palanquin by four Lard Homunculi. They are supposedly able to convert the stored calories into massive magical energy, but such a feat has not been witnessed this generation.
13. Joan Bee- Mathematician (and demonologist) who is supposedly the court astronomer, but seems to spend a lot more time around greasy black candles and foul smelling books than looking at the stars.
14. Fibula and Tibula- “Twin” jesters in black and white (and white and black) motley. They’re been passed down with the castle over generations and though their humor can be somewhat dry it nonetheless occasionally hits the funny bone. If it isn’t already obvious, they’re also skeletons.
15. Jackie Pulpit- A blacksmith and inventor who is fond of experimenting with black powder. She hasn’t blown up the entire caste (yet) and has beaten every challenger (including a few trolls) in armwrestling. 
16. Roland the Rook- A mysterious winged figure that resides in an otherwise abandoned tower, Roland manages a vast populace of corvids that act as messengers, spies, and occasional defenders of the castle. Roland’s foremost loyalty, however, is to the birds.
17. Giles the Gamekeeper- The manager of the forests and game surrounding the castle, though the deer whom Giles is sworn to protect have gotten a little weird  as of late. A scullery maid claims to have deep Giles filing antler stumps under his hat.
18. Goody Mooncup- Not a castle resident per se, but every castle needs a good swamp witch (or three) nearby to make occasional proclamations and curses. She’s better known for her publications and poultices than anything else and is generally a welcome sight. Unless you’ve been talking smack of course.
19. The Apothecary- No one has seen The Apothecary but for a gloved hand thrust through a slot in their door. The strangest deliveries arrive for them in the dead of night, bottles and barrels of all shapes and sizes. Who knows what they’re up to in there.
20. Oleander the Food Taster- The official taster of all meals, Oleander has outlived a number of their clients. Small doses of poison over the course of their career has made them immune and their flesh highly toxic.

1d100 Make it Weird(er)

1. The castle is mobile
   1. Walks on 2d6 legs
   2. Floats on Water and/or Lava
   3. Swims/Dives 
   4. Flies with massive leathery wings or a few dozen large propellers 
   5. Huge tank treads
   6. Teleports/RIDES THE LIGHTNING
2. The Castle REALLY is haunted, like really really
3. The Castle has a resident Kobold (the German kind not the dog-like or reptilian kind)
4. The Castle built of junkyard scrap 
5. The walls are all transparent. You can see what is happening inside at all times.
6. The Castle is actually made up of untold hundreds of bound earth elemental spirits
7. The Castle can go through a complex transformation sequence into a giant robot
8. The Castle is built upon 1d10!(exploding) more Castles that have sunk into the ground below
9. The Castle is equipped with an experimental trebuchet that launches Parachute-Knights
10. This is not  a Castle, it is an absolutely massive mimic. 
11. The owner of the castle is bound to the throne at the center and can feel/sense/control the castle as though it were an extension of their own flesh.
12. Time is disconnected within the castle walls, as far as the residents are concerned, it is 300 years previous.
13. This castle has a duplicate castle 8 hexes east, they are locked in a battle with another pair of duplicate castles with an inverted color scheme.
14. This Castle is actually a sleeping eidolon, waiting for a summoner to bind them to their will and awaken them.
15. The residents of this castle are deeply inbred Morlocks descended from an ancient aristocratic line.
16. This Castle has been continuously added to and modified for hundreds of years and the current residents have only scratched the surface of all of the hidden spaces within.
17. This Castle adheres to a strict occult geometry so it may act as the focal point for a world changing ritual. It nears completion.
18. Nothing can die inside of the castle regardless of the grievousness of the injuries. This catches up with you when you leave it.
19. The inside of this castle is an overgrown jungle, a kingdom of apes lies within. The Silver Sovereign, a dire gorilla with a magical scepter, rules over them.
20. This Castle is made of bones; hundreds and thousands of bones. Huge dragon bones, tiny mouse bones, bones of ancient sealife (otherwise known as chalk). A chimerical Lich owns the place.
21. The castle’s owner recreated the journey of the soul from an obscure religious text in the form of a gauntlet. They dress themselves as the Judge of the Dead and require all who are in the audience with them to go through the gauntlet. 
22. This Castle was carved whole and seamlessly from a huge ancient meteor. The intense concentration of Star Metal has had strange effects on the people and the land.
23. There is an oubliette in the depths of the castle. It houses
    1. The original vampiric owner of the castle.
    2. Untold hundreds of clowns.
    3. A hole into the Veins of the Earth
    4. The scarred and masked rightful inheritor of the castle
    5. A wizard who is just looking for some goddamn peace and quiet
    6. A doppelganger well versed in the Prisoner’s Dilemma 
24. Each of the 24 rooms of this castle are locked into one of the 24 hours of the day
25. The castle is upside down, its “towers” buried deep below the earth
26. This castle is actually the fruiting body of a vast mycelium network. Its inhabitants may or may not be Mushfolk
27. This castle was designed and built by Mulciber, the Architect of Hell. Each brick was once a damned soul, pounded into shape.
28. The castle is collapsable, somewhere there is a button that will collapse the whole castle down into a palm-sized cube
29. .The castle is actually the lost dollhouse of a titan child
30. A titanic being from Early Creation is bound beneath the castle, its generational howls rock the land with earthquakes
31. This castle looks incredibly defensible but has myriad exploitable weaknesses. It gets captured on an almost weekly basis. 
32. This is a Show Castle, it looks incredible but everything is made of foam, painted cardboard, and props.
33. This castle possesses a magical carillon that plays on its own. Bardic magic can be performed with it that has an area of effect of 1d20 miles.
34. This castle has been built/carved to look like a giant
    1. Skull
    2. Anvil
    3. Wheel
    4. Heraldic animal
    5. Cuckoo clock (it functions as one)
    6. Hand doing The Horns
35. This is the castle that everyone uses for all their period films, the owners make made big dollars renting it out for events and studios
36. This ancient castle aligns perfectly with a number of constellations and astrological events, folks regularly debate if this was intentional or not.
37. This castle possesses a vast zoo entirely made up of heraldic animals such as swarns, stag, lampago, lions, hippos, griffons, threow, and yale.
38. The castle is cursed to be never be held for more than seven years by a single individual 
39. An ancient and complex set of social rules are enforced within the castle, understood in their entirety only by an elderly Master of Taboos.
40. This castle was grown/molded from huge quartz crystals.
41. This castle was carved out of a single gargantuan ruby.
42. This castle is in fact a huge (and dead) calculating engine. A wizard or an alchemist might know how to get it started again. But should you?
43. Small seams of occultum are woven through the stone, providing light and enhanced magic within the castle. As well as rampant mutation and cancer.
44. This Castle is built over a lake. An inverted castle inhabited by merfolk lies on the underside of the lake.
45. Every full moon the entire populace of the Castle moves out to allow for the Fairie Court’s ball.
46. There appears to be a dry moat here. Further investigation reveals…reveals… FUCK! ITS BUER RUNNING CIRCLES AROUND THE CASTLE. GODDAMN!
47. The Castle is actually the crown of a gargantuan buried monarch.
48. A guillotine and the skulls of a dozen would-be kings sits on the throne of this castle.
49. A vast underground system of cellars and vaults lay beneath the castle, created via baiting slimes/molds. Some of them remain down here as guards.
50.  The castle’s defenders are fluent in mockery and tend to lob cattle at would be attackers
51. An immortal in Immurement lives within the walls of the castle, subtly manipulating the fates of generations
52. A human pillar has been buried underneath this castle, and it is destined to never fall as long as their bones remain entombed.
53. At the center of the castle is a massive, slowly beating heart. The other organs are elsewhere, though strangely no brain.
54. The castle’s main tower doubles as an escape rocket to outer space in an emergency. Supposedly many others of The Aristocracy escaped there long ago.
55. The interior of the castle is filled in with dirt and rocks, its previous residents were apparently molemen.
56. The residents of this castle each represent one of the fifty-six minor arcana. Once a year they dance and ingest hallucinogens as a part of a complex ritual to divine the fate of the world.
57. There’s a moat filled with
    1.  Crocodiles
    2. Piss, it’s just all piss holy fuck
    3. Tapioca
    4. Boiling acid ( The castle residents all have to wear respirators)
    5. Writhing mating snakes
    6. A single annoyed goblin with a stick
58. There is a money tower with a diving board installed, the corpse of the man who built it lies buried in the coins.
59. Most castles are built to keep things out, this one’s built to keep something in.
60. An awakened Tarrasque rules this castle where they regularly siege a nearby mycelial kingdom.
61. This castle is outfitted with Elemental Cannons (lightning and ice and such like), powered by shoving a wizard’s head into the breech and squeezing the magic out with a vice.
62. This castle and the surrounding lands are coated in a thick sheet of ice. Deep within is the insane, broken hearted monarch who caused this curse.
63. Once this castle was gilded from top to bottom with gold and encrusted with jewels, but years of scavenging and mismanagement has left it dull. There still might be something worth scrapping off if you look deep enough.
64. The castle is largely made of Lapudite and only thirteen massive anchors made of Hadite keep it grounded.
65. The inside won’t stop fucking changing around!
66. This entire castle can be broken apart and put together like Ikea furniture. It even comes with an illustrated manual.
67. Awful rituals have left the castle and the grounds around it a tormented and cursed hellscape.
68. There is a staircase inside of the castle that is infinitely tall. Some red ropes warn folks not to go up but a few folks get lost on it each year.
69. A Juxtaubus (that is the Switch version of the Incubus/Succubus binary) rules this castle, they were elected to the position and are generally considered a lot better than the previous asshole.
70. Y’know that huge library from Beauty and the Beast? Yeah boi, it’s got one of those!
71. The tallest tower is set with a lightning rod, used to revivify the hideous experimental zombies that staff the castle.
72. The great hall of this castle is set with a massive ring of brass and iron and is used to call up demons for entertainment and service. When the ring one day corrodes it will unleash a hellmouth of apocalyptic proportions.
73. The whole thing is entirely dilapidated and left to rot, of more interest to The Proper People than anyone else.
74. All of the knights associated with this castle are currently on some very inane quests.
75. Due to complicated border laws this castle and surrounding lands don’t actually belong to any nation and its inhabitants are beholden to no laws.
76. This isn’t a castle, this is a Nuclear Waste Isolation Zone. This is not a place of honor.
77. There’s a dragon, you didn’t think you could get through this list without a goddamn dragon did you? 50% chance there is a prince or princess involved but they don’t want you to rescue them that’s for certain.
78. A huge tree grows from the castle’s courtyard, its lowest limbs overshadowing the castle’s tallest towers. A single fruit has been ripening for millenia upon its boughs. 
79. A long tapestry hangs within the castle, supposedly depicting a prophecy for future generations. No one is completely certain why everyone is depicted as mice and badgers and such like.
80. An exact replica of this castle is built on the moon. When they align a temporary bridge forms to allow for travel between the two.
81. The castle has worn away over the centuries, but the expansive dungeon below remains. 
82. The entire castle is populated with marionettes, controlled by strings from the ceiling. They live, die and are “born” through an incredibly complex clockwork within the walls of the castle. If you cut one down you are for sure going to be tired by a puppet judge for puppet murder.
83. The castle’s primary method of defense is unfurling a banner imprinted with a Basilisk. They draw straws for who has to be the sacrifice needed to unfurl and store the lethal image.
84. This castle is too poor to have proper knights, it instead has a bunch of hedge-knights.
85. There’s this magic sword in an anvil in front of the castle, pull it out and you get the place. It’s not my fault if the sword sucks.
86. The castle’s former inhabitants are piled up in the courtyard. A woman in a yellow raincoat sits atop the pile casually gnawing on a foot. She is a HUMAN.
87. This castle is made entirely from teeth, why? Fuck you that’s why.
88. This castle is, in fact, a cocoon. How did you think monarch butterflies metamorphosed? 
89. Gibbots ring this castle, each densely packed with skeletal (and not-so-skeletal) remains. When the castle is threatened, the gibbots are opened to unleash a rolling necromantic tide of trauma and anguish incarnate. 
90. A cauldron that multiplies whatever food put into it a hundred-fold is in this castle’s kitchens. The bastard in charge uses it to throw lavish feasts rather than support their subjects.  
91. This castle is THICK with Metaphysical Courtiers and Princes. Most of y’all can’t see it, but the wizard is freaking the fuck out.
92. This castle appears “abandoned” but in fact hosts a small clan of Red Caps.
93. This castle is full of re-enactors, tourists, bacon wrapped turkey legs and trinkets for sale. REVERSE ISEKAI! 
94. The castle is made of sand and will wash away when the tide comes in.
95. This castle is a kobold (yes the dnd kind) ruse. Any would-be invader can easily breach its walls where hundreds of hundreds and hundreds of traps await.
96. This castle is built upon a bridge over an extremely treacherous river, whoever controls it vastly influences regional trade.
97. Everyone in the castle and the castle town are dullahans, living only for the pleasures of the body. Their heads congregate in the clouds above the castle.
98. This castle is huge and creepy and inhabited by A Very Tall Vampire Lady.
99. Sir, this is a White Castle we uh…we sell burgers here.
100. Roll everything twice and stack them on top of each other. A Double King lives here. Add another castle for each crown the Double King takes